Why I like being a guy

Well, there are too many reasons to list here, but will focus on one – the way we piss.

We can piss anytime, anywhere, and it’s awesome!

Fuck the long toilet queues at festivals or events or clubs. We’re in and outta there in a flash, to the point chicks start using the Gents. Girls just take too damn long. (Yea, even when paying for stuff)

Hell, we could piss into bottles if we wanted to. Am sure many guys have, coz we got a hose. Handy when you’re in a canoe / kayak and cant stand up due to instability (done dat).

Chicks, well, they have…   not a hose.

Once some asshole even pissed into a beer bottle n left it in the toilet, hoping someone will think its beer and go for it. I didnt buy it.

I have thought about inventing an adapter so chicks can piss standing up.

The human bladder typically holds up to 800ml, but we tend to ‘go’ when it hits 200ml. So i guess u can hold longer than u think.

Booze, damn u!

Guys who’ve never taken a piss outdoors in their adult life probably dont have a dick.

Anyway, when drinking you tend to piss a lot, especially right after you Break the Seal. Damn that crazy phenomenon. You need to practise mind-over-bladder.

And if you’re moving from one place / bar to another or are in the outdoors, you sometimes have no choice but to find the most convenient piss spot.

Anyway, i prefer the outdoors.

Guys have pissed everywhere (dont know about girls), but here’s my opinion of our top choices.

The most common is probably a –


1. Drain.

A crowd favourite

Upside: It’s clean, convenient, with zero splash-factor

Downside: You could fall in and drown in your own piss

Pissability rating: 4/5


2. Tree

A girl once asked me why guys always have to piss against something. Haha! Hmmm…

Two reasons:

1) We’re dogs

Ride em cowboy!

2) It ensures there’s little splash, or it would make your shoes unhappy.


Anyway, tree: Upside: Safe, minimal splash

A cock's eye-view

Downside: We need for the trees to survive

Pissability rating: 4.5/5


3. Lamp post

Upside: It’s there. It’s upright

Downside: Very bright. Also if there’s an electricity malfunction, your dick will burn off, while you breakdance n die

Gotta think twice with this one

Pissability rating: 2/5


4. Flat surface


Generally a dumb idea.

Upside: You can draw designs

Downside: Splash-fest. And in your ecstasy of releasing the pressure, you might not hear the car until it’s over you

Pissability rating: 1/5


5. Car wheel

Whether your car or others . A dog favourite too. Homey squirts on my car wheel all d time.

Probably mess-up the brakes

Upside: They everywhere! And each car has four targets to choose from

Downside: It takes the shine off. Also, high splash-factor if you dont get the angle right

Pissability rating: 3/5


6. Wall / fence


Upside: Walls are everywhere. Minimal splash. Feels like a real wall-urinal, but outdoors, and smell-free. And the outstretched arm against the wall provides much-needed stability

Downside: None

Pissability rating:  5/5. Perfect score!



The weirdest piss i ever had while senget was onto the hood of a car that i thought was unoccupied. Turns out it was occupied. Sort of. You can read about that crazy, ripped, Night Train-fueled night here.

Sorry i dont do stairwells or elevators or indoor spots; that’s for morons.

Did i leave anyone out? There’re also fire hydrants, grass, sign posts, bushes, pots, mile stones, pillars, campfire (to douse fire; fireman mode), logs, lakes.

Next time you take a piss, try a new target eh?


ACE in town

Carlsberg Malaysia recently launched ACE (A-class Experience). It’s to upgrade the skills and service of bar and restaurant staff.

Long way to go, but it’s a start. We all know service levels in Malaysia are going down, as i commented on once.

Pay attention now..

The event was attended by employees from various outlets. Taylor’s University is involved to improve bar operation skills and customer service. Since it was done in English, i assume the foreign staff didnt understand much.

I sat out the training module as it was only for outlet staff. (sorry, all pix by camera phone.)

Brands distributed by Carlsberg Malaysia via Luen Heng

The highlight that day was the attendance of George Reisch, the main man, aka Brewmaster of Anheuser-Busch InBev, which owns brands like Becks, Leffe, Hoegaarden, Budweiser and 200 others. Its the world’s largest global brewer, with 25% of the market, revenue of more than 100 billion a year, and staff of 116,000.

He gave a presentation about beer as well. One memorable statement from him – when storing your beer, keep it in a dark spot so it dont get ‘light-struck’ – light affects beer quality. Hence beer bottles tend to be dark.

Lightstruck! Haha!

We also got to taste half-made lager.

Shady-lookin brews

The oldest was a 20-day (with added wood chips for flavour as is done with Bud), which tastes as good as regular lager. The 5-day End of Aplha is pretty raw, with a nose of cider. Taste is quite bland.

Like Jaz Beer.

The cold wort is very young, and smells to me like Guinness Malta. Its cloudy, and tastes bitter-sweet.

That's George

George enlightened us that 400 different compounds / molecules have been found in wine, and 1,200 in beer. More complicated that you think.

Hmmm. Tough choice. I'd probably go for some Leffe

Also met Carlsberg Malaysia's new marketing director, York Spencer

The program went on for a day. Let’s hope there’re some better-educated bar staff out there now!


Brain damage: 5/10


How to drink & drive

Yea, we all do it. So cut the crap. The challenge is how to do it right.
Drink-driving is LEGAL. U can even drink while driving. It’s only illegal if ur over the limit. So don’t get conned by d damn cops.

The BAC (blood alcohol content) limit in Malaysia is 0.08%. Anything below is fine.

If u hit 1%, you dead. As in physically dead.

U can achieve 0.08% if u have three quick drinks, but there’re many variables like body mass, sex, stomach contents. Also, alcohol takes longer to leave the body of some Asians who have alcohol flush reaction, also known as the lobster-face syndrome!

Poster at GAB’s Tavern

As described above, u can only get intoxicated if u consume more than one drink an hour, coz dats d speed that your body metabolizes alcohol (ie, sobers you up). If u wanna ace a breathalyzer, remember that.

What’s one ‘standard drink’? It’s one portion, ie, a mug of beer (330ml), one shot of whisky (30-45ml), one glass of wine (150ml), etc. (One drink must contain 15ml of ethanol /  pure alcohol.) For drink measurements, refer here.

If you have only one of the above every hour, you will not fail a breathalyzer. Unfortunately you wont be very high either.

Here are some tips to drive after drinkin:

1. Drive real slow. Even if u hit anything, there’ll be no issues / injuries. And FOCUS. Well, try to anyway. Haha

2. Drive, but the next morning. Sleep it off in your car if its parked in a safe spot

3. Ditch d wheels n pick it up tomw. Go back with a friend or a cab

4. If u gonna drive, one good technique is down shifting your gear to Low or 3. U’ll have better control over d car, n d speed is mechanically limited by the engine. I’d highly recommend this technique, coz it works. But u gotta resist the temptation to shift up. Both hands on d wheel!

5. If ur stopped by cops n blow into a breathalyzer, n score below 80, don’t let them shit u. U passed d test. Unless they place u under arrest for some other reason, u can leave. Read more in my post on Drinks, dirty cops and roadblocks.

6. If u gonna drink while driving, utilize one of these handy cup-holders for a hands-free session. Sure helps. Combine them with a huggaz to make sure your beer stays cold!


Its the peak of the Party Season 2011 yall.

Merry Christmas! Enjoy your holidays n drive safe!


Basic Cocktails I

Its funny how most of us dont know what the contents are of regular cocktails that we have, and the types of liquor it consists of.

Well, am gonna try to remedy that, with a new series called Basic Cocktails, aka Know Your Shit.

Today’s cocktail is Long Island Iced Tea, which has no tea in it. One of my faves, it got me at “Long”.

And “Island” of course.

I used to have pitchers of it every Friday at Velvet. Got me well-wasted – each n every time! Perfect score. At one of my birthdays, 12 of us had enough long islands on d table to drop Godzilla – 16 jugs. It almost dropped me.

Tho i dislike cola cocktails, taste-wise, the LIIT is considered pleasant and easy to drink, tho the alcohol content can really come thru on the palate. I usually ask ’em to go easy on the sweet ‘n sour, coz it makes d drink too sweet ‘n sour. Haha. In fact u could try pineapple juice instead of that.

Kick-wise, its waay up there. Respect.



Type of cocktail:   Highball (served in a high glass / Collins)

Alcohol content by volume:   28%. Phew!

Alcohol types:   5vodka, light rum, white tequila (aka silver/blanco), gin, Triple Sec. One shot each (30ml), tho some do half shot each, depending on the size of the glass too

Mixer:   Sour mix (aka sweet & sour), splash of cola

Standard garnish:   Slice of lemon

Method:   Shake everything except the soda, and pour into glass with ice. Top with cola

Where to have one:   Will leave it to you consumers to recommend (if possible pls include price, should be between $20-25 net). The problem is many outlets these days use cheap-ass Klang-made liquor to mix drinks. Fuckdat.

One place I know for a fact uses premium liquors is Sid’s Pub, and its significantly cheaper than all the neighbouring outlets as well.

Popular variation to tryLong Beach Iced Tea – cranberry juice substitutes the cola. Nice.

Related Posts with Thumbnails