Category Archives: ~ Funny-ass shit/incidents ~

Am opening a bar

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Yea, it’s about time.

After being pushed by various parties, am going into a venture with several partners n investors. It’s gonna be different. (But i bet that’s what they all say!)

Am handling concept, music and marketing.

Sumtin like dat...

Sumtin like dat…

Theme will be 2499, ie futuristic / galactic shit. The entrance will be like a silver flying saucer (arent they all silver? I think i’ll make it purple), and u walk up a small step ladder and end up inside this circular ‘UFO bar’. Of course the effects and blue lighting will add to the buzz.

Leave your light sabers by the door.

It will be  tastefully done; with a loungy setting.

Yeaaa ok, only if they promise to behave

Yeaaa ok, only if they promise to behave

Some joints have what’s known as island bars, ie, a circular bar, with patrons sitting around it. This one will be the other way around fuckdat. The patrons are IN the large ‘island’, and the bartenders on the outside perimeter.

Hovering around their victims..

For special drinks for special occasions, there’s a steel operating table in the centre, where aliens normally dissect abducted humans. But in this case, the ‘victim’ will get a tube down his throat, which will duly be filled with a green cocktail called Alien Urine Sample. By a Martian bartender.

For five bucks extra, we will also taze the mafucker for a minute. (An adult diaper will be provided.)

That’ll make sure he’s buzzed. Haha

Am gonna make staff dress up too; no fun otherwise. Will need a good crew.

Head bartender, Mart

Head Bartender, Mart. Multi-tasker

Cashier, Sal

Cashier, Sal, drug dealer

Floor Supervisor, Shade

Floor Supervisor, Shady. I wouldn’t fuck with him

Am also considering a small-dose cocktail (5ml) that’s real special and one-of-a-kind, coz it’s injected directly into your vein. By a qualified sexy alien nurse of course.

There’s a serious lack of sci-fi-themed bars. In fact, there’s probably none at all. Uncreative pricks.

Tunes will he jazz, swing and house. No 80’s shit for sure.

Halloween at this bar will be extreme fun.

Probably be sumtin like dis:

Chief of security, Al

Chief of Security, Al

Havent finalized the food menu yet. As for bar bites, I hear fried insects are catching on.

As for the name, am thinkin of DeepsHit. Or Martian Hole.

Any suggestions?

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Why I like being a guy

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Well, there are too many reasons to list here, but will focus on one – the way we piss.

We can piss anytime, anywhere, and it’s awesome!

Fuck the long toilet queues at festivals or events or clubs. We’re in and outta there in a flash, to the point chicks start using the Gents. Girls just take too damn long. (Yea, even when paying for stuff)

Hell, we could piss into bottles if we wanted to. Am sure many guys have, coz we got a hose. Handy when you’re in a canoe / kayak and cant stand up due to instability (done dat).

Chicks, well, they have…   not a hose.

Once some asshole even pissed into a beer bottle n left it in the toilet, hoping someone will think its beer and go for it. I didnt buy it.

I have thought about inventing an adapter so chicks can piss standing up.

The human bladder typically holds up to 800ml, but we tend to ‘go’ when it hits 200ml. So i guess u can hold longer than u think.

Booze, damn u!

Guys who’ve never taken a piss outdoors in their adult life probably dont have a dick.

Anyway, when drinking you tend to piss a lot, especially right after you Break the Seal. Damn that crazy phenomenon. You need to practise mind-over-bladder.

And if you’re moving from one place / bar to another or are in the outdoors, you sometimes have no choice but to find the most convenient piss spot.

Anyway, i prefer the outdoors.

Guys have pissed everywhere (dont know about girls), but here’s my opinion of our top choices.

The most common is probably a –

 

1. Drain.

A crowd favourite

Upside: It’s clean, convenient, with zero splash-factor

Downside: You could fall in and drown in your own piss

Pissability rating: 4/5

 

2. Tree

A girl once asked me why guys always have to piss against something. Haha! Hmmm…

Two reasons:

1) We’re dogs

Ride em cowboy!

2) It ensures there’s little splash, or it would make your shoes unhappy.

 

Anyway, tree: Upside: Safe, minimal splash

A cock's eye-view

Downside: We need for the trees to survive

Pissability rating: 4.5/5

 

3. Lamp post

Upside: It’s there. It’s upright

Downside: Very bright. Also if there’s an electricity malfunction, your dick will burn off, while you breakdance n die

Gotta think twice with this one

Pissability rating: 2/5

 

4. Flat surface

Naa

Generally a dumb idea.

Upside: You can draw designs

Downside: Splash-fest. And in your ecstasy of releasing the pressure, you might not hear the car until it’s over you

Pissability rating: 1/5

 

5. Car wheel

Whether your car or others . A dog favourite too. Homey squirts on my car wheel all d time.

Probably mess-up the brakes

Upside: They everywhere! And each car has four targets to choose from

Downside: It takes the shine off. Also, high splash-factor if you dont get the angle right

Pissability rating: 3/5

 

6. Wall / fence

No-brainer

Upside: Walls are everywhere. Minimal splash. Feels like a real wall-urinal, but outdoors, and smell-free. And the outstretched arm against the wall provides much-needed stability

Downside: None

Pissability rating:  5/5. Perfect score!

 

Blissss.....

The weirdest piss i ever had while senget was onto the hood of a car that i thought was unoccupied. Turns out it was occupied. Sort of. You can read about that crazy, ripped, Night Train-fueled night here.

Sorry i dont do stairwells or elevators or indoor spots; that’s for morons.

Did i leave anyone out? There’re also fire hydrants, grass, sign posts, bushes, pots, mile stones, pillars, campfire (to douse fire; fireman mode), logs, lakes.

Next time you take a piss, try a new target eh?

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Party-poopin

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I gotta say i feel sorry for guys who cant party/booze coz of their chicks. i know quite a few, whose wimin nag da crap outta them when they wanna hangout with their buddies. Haha! Kinda sad.

But whats probably worse is the other way around – chicks who have boyfrens dat cant party as well as them! I mean, comon, thats lame.

If i was a chick, i’d probably dump him. It wdnt work, not for long anyway.

Partyin should be unisex, right?

Somehow its ok if a dude’s girlfren dont go out/party. Its kinda acceptable. And sum guys who go out a lot dig that shit. They want a sit-at-home-woman. I’ll reserve my comments about these freaks for now.

But if a man cant keep up with his gerl, i’m sorry but thats just goddam weird.

And its bound to be a source of tension between d couple.

Unless he’s your permanent designated driver. In which case, lucky u. But u know he wont do it forever right? Someday he’ll crack. “Bitch!! I cant do this anymore!! Fuuuck!!!!” And stick d kitchen knife into your belly.

Or worse, give you the ultimatum – “Choose!”. Haha! Easy choice. CHOOSE LIFE.

Either way, am glad am a guy.

The drinking industry is still sexist. Its funny how beer ads especially always focuses on guys, when in fact a lot of chicks drink beer too. The video below is an example.

Am no expert in relationships, but my advise to d ladies would be patience – avoid these geeks and unadventurous types n wait till u get a guy who’s at least as hardcore as u are.

Like, find someone who wont mind puking next to you.

In d meantime, u guys with chicks, watch the video and weep!

Or move to Argentina.

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D.I.A.

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Drink-induced amnesia is a fuckin problem. Every alco has been thru this experience. Also known as blackout, as opposed to d slightly milder but no less confusing brownout, which i wrote about here. (In science terms, DIA is “en bloc blackout” vs “fragmentary blackout” (brownout).)

DIA (not to be confused with but possibly related to d hospital term DOA – dead on arrival), happens with very quick, or excessive consumption of alcohol. Or both.

Liquor mostly. I doubt it works with beer, unless u do helluva lot.

Goes down too easy

U forget stuff dat happened. Like ordering more drinks, then only realizing d next day –  coz yor pockets are outta cash.

Or d last bar u were at. Or driving home. Or even sex! (Similar to cock amnesia.)

I once crossed busy Jln Ampang to get to another party n dont remember that, and d next two hours. Haha

Daaamn.

Unfortunately some people cant behave appropriately when under DIA, and wont even remember it.

Dont remember

Its actually pretty amazing. At the time when ur under DIA, ur generally a perfectly-functioning human, able to do whatever your brain normally does, from the mundane and basic to the complicated, like pissing, havin conversations, calculating cash, driving, eating. But d next day, it’s like it never happened! Was your brain off?

Its like sleep-walking. Kinda weird. I used to sleep-walk too.

I guess over-drinking affects d brain cells dat control short-term memory. It sucks coz many times, u REALLY had a great time, but its been fuckin erased from your memory forever. I think besides a hangover, this is what i hate most about booze.

U gotta rely on eye-witness reports to fill u in. That dont always work either, coz if u dont remember what u dont remember, u wouldnt even ask. So sometimes u’ll NEVER know dat u had DIA.

D other way to jog your memory a lil are photos of d scenes.

Don't remember

Some research done indicates that “These periods of amnesia are primarily “anterograde,” meaning that alcohol impairs the ability to form new memories while the person is intoxicated, but does not typically erase memories formed before intoxication.”

Praise the lord! So its just ‘temporary brain damage’. Cool.

However the prick also concluded that “occurrence of blackouts is a powerful indicator of alcoholism.” Yea right.

There’s also DIA-within-DIA. Besides not remembering d next day, u dont remember during the piss-up what u said like three fuckin minutes ago. Like “where do u live?!”. Askin d same goddam question five times in a night. Dats cause its been documented that your memory in such situations lasts two minutes.

Wow. Fish brain.

Don't remember

This part of the report about ‘state-dependent memory’ is cool – “It is not uncommon to hear stories of drinkers who stash alcohol or money while intoxicated, and locate the hiding places only after becoming intoxicated again.” Haha!

Basically DIA stems from an inability to transfer information from short-term to long-term storage. Your neurons are in a twist. D report notes “a key predictor of blackouts is the rate at which subjects consumed their drinks.” So it happens more to fast drinkers.

I say watch those shots. More than one a minute and ur askin for DIA. One every 90 seconds should be fine.

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