Breakin da goddam seal

… is a goddam bitch. It’s defined as the first piss u take after many drinks, and henceforth u gotta piss every 15 minutes. ITS FUCKED-UP SHIT.

Urban Dictionary has a reasonable definition.

Watever the cause, its fuckin irritating. Sometimes it makes me wanna piss into an empty bottle under d table. It aint so bad for guys tho. We could always take a walk outside n fire away. And guys can piss anywhere on the way to & from a pub or bar. Car parks, trees & drains are a fave.

In fact, i’ve thought of creating a disposable piss adaptor that chicks can wear over d groin, so they too can piss anywhere while standing up. How ladies? Interested? Its fun.

Well, cavemen/women had it easier.

And at least there r no queues at guys toilets. If i was a girl, i probably wd have pissed while in queues many times by now. I guess chicks got better holding power, since they can like give birth n shit. Respect.

Its worse with outlets that dont have d goddam decency to provide a toilet, like the glorified mamak, Laundry.

The human bladder is about 5in by 3in, and has a max capacity of about 800ml – one liter, or at least one bottle of wine, but we tend to have the urge from 200ml.

Beer - biggest dam culprit for pissing problems

Beer - biggest dam culprit for pissing problems

Holding piss in is one of the biggest side-effects and problems associated with drinking. (Other than not remembering what happened of course.) We ALL know how good it feels when u finally let go. In fact, its almost orgasmic.

Why does this happen tho. Why does the first piss open d floodgates? Any scientific explanation?

Anyway, from my research, there are a few theories.

One says “If you have to pee that much sooner as you continue drinking, it may be that you are simply less able to control your bladder, the drunker you become. I’ve seen drunks pee their pants without them even knowing it.”

Wat u talk? Our bladders also get drunk??

U can checkout how some medic school geeks study the issue at this blog. Too techy for me.

The best answer? “Because alcohol inhibits the hormone that helps your body hold onto water (it’s called ADH, or anti-diuretic hormone). So your urine output increases rapidly, out of proportion to the amount you drink, and your bladder fills up quicker and quicker. This is how you get dehydrated despite the fact that you are taking in fluids. Short answer – you are making more urine (more than d liquids u consume). It has nothing to do with the mechanics of the bladder.”

Thanks Einstein. But u didnt give a solution, did u asshole? Pop some ADH pills?

Even when u drink tons of black shit, your piss comes out clear. Where does all that black go??

Even when u drink LITERS of black shit, your piss comes out clear right away. Where does all that black go??

My only solution – have a good piss as soon as i arrive at d drinking spot. So it takes a lot longer before i gotta break da seal. Coz drinking less is outta d question.

In fact, drinking while pissing is niice. (Though it seems like ur wasting booze – it feels like its goin straight from throat to bladder to urinal.)

Also, u got a sterile, nice-tasting liquid to wash up with. Cool.

Share

Yeast, ur da shit!

Yea, yeast is my new best friend. Coz i just gotta let them do what they do best, and before i know it, i got free booze!

My apple cider experiment has worked out. And its gooood.

Yeeehaaa!

Yeeehaaa!

These little fuckers just need sugar. They consume whatever sugary liquid u feed em, and they fart CO2 & piss out alcohol. How cool is dat?

Yeast piss. Yummy.

And just as a bonus, yeast are also a source of B-complex vitamins and protein.

Easily the most important & productive micro-organism on earth

Easily the most important & productive micro-organism on earth

All i gotta do is pound, and dump these organisms into apple juice, then chill for a couple of weeks. In d meantime, the yeast dudes are working 24-7, multiplying & producing alcohol all d time, billions of them, for free. I dont even have to give them a salary. Its slavery!

A German chemist wrote back in the day about yeast: “These are endowed with a sort of suction trunk with which they gulp up sugar. Digestion is immediate and clearly recognizable because of the discharge of excrements.”

He rambles on: “These animals evacuate ethyl alcohol from their bowels and carbon dioxide from their urinary organs. Thus, one can observe how a specially lighter fluid is exuded from the anus and rises vertically whereas a stream of carbon dioxide is ejected at very short intervals from enormously long genitals.” Haha! Big-dick boys.

One drop of fermenting juice can contain five million yeast cells capable of doubling their number every two hours.

The thing about these guys is they end up drinkin themselves to death. Wine yeast can survive up to 14-18% alcohol in d mix before dying of alco-poisoning, but beer yeast will probably die around 6%. Anyway, there are more than a thousand yeast species around, depending on what u wanna brew.

I made 12 liters of apple cider using about 30 cents worth of yeast. So my cost for producing all these booze is basically the same as the cost of apple juice. Amazing.

Then u realize that alcohol is actually fuckin cheap.

I waited 18 days before deciding dat it was strong n tasted good. Dats when u start bottling. After 2 weeks, i did a taste-test every day. When u feel it’s just right – good balance between sweet & sour & alcohol, its ready. I was bottling them when i was drunk, so no pictures of this happy process.

I was planning to make sidra (apple cider), but since i used wine yeast rather than brewer / beer yeast, i got apple champagne. Haha! To get the fizz, just add a teaspoon of sugar into each bottle then seal the cap. It shd be fizzy within a couple of days.

Bubbly apple wine

Bubbly apple wine

My brew is fucking strong. A couple of sips this morning n i was buzzing. Gonna get a hydrometer to check the % of alcohol.

Obviously the brew has only 100% natural ingredients.

Will post a step-by-step soon on the DIY apple wine. At the mo, sugar cane wine is brewing.

Yeast, u da man! Salud!

Share

Toddy ah?? Brickfields laa

No real local drinker hasnt tried at least one of Malaysia’s own local brews – toddy, tuak or langkau. If u’ve had beers from Mehico, schnapps from Austria, Kahlua from goddam Jamaica, and Malibu from fuckin Barbados, it’s time to stop being a poser and have some local brew! Warz wrong witchu man?? Show yer pride!

Toddy aka palm beer is a common drink in most tropical countries around the world. From Mexico to the Pacific Islands. Also known as mimbo (Cameroon), bahar / tuba (Sabah & Philippines), todi (W. Malaysia) and emu among Nigerian tribes. Not to be confused with samsu – cheap shit dat makes u blind.

All that hard work, and u pay 3 bucks

All that hard work, and u pay peanuts

It’s a sweet, slightly fizzy drink, 100% natural. Very light, possibly lighter than beer in terms of alcohol content, so drinking several mugs is not an issue. Best part is, it’s so cheap, its ridiculous. Also a source of B-complex vitamins. It’s said to flush your system clean, watever dat means.

You can distill toddy and produce more explosive liquor like arrack.

If u ever tried air nira, it’s d same shit. Cept nira is harvested and drunk before fermentation can begin.

What a waste. Throw some yeast into your next nira pack.

It aint fermented coconut water, it’s palm sap. Most palms – whether date palms, betel palms, oil palms or coconut palms – are usable. In Malaysia, we use coconut palms. The flower stem of the palm tree is cut – sap flows out into a jar, where it ferments naturally after awhile due to some yeast dudes still hangin in the used jar. Thus, it’s best had earlier in the day, or else it turns to vinegar (eventually after several days or weeks), tho sometimes tappers also cut again in the evening for a fresh batch.

Anyway, enough crap. You can get this local shine in Brickfields, KL, where there’s an old, low-profile toddy shack.

I just luv Brickfields. Da hood’s got character. A lot of shit goin on there. And the cool world music band Akasha is from there, the Temple of Fine Arts, 30 seconds away from d toddy shack.

Believe it or not, this joint is run by the Malaysian government! Haha! The only useful facility they ever run. Some colonial hangover – the Brits used to run them to keep the labour happy. There are two other government bars – Imbi (by Times Square) and Sentul.

Max sticks his head into a large bucket of toddy

Max sticks his head into a bucket of  toddy

But there many others (non-government) in Banting, Morib and Kapar. And served at some seafood restaurants in Teluk Gong and Northport, Klang. Tried ’em all.

Hit the Brickfields branch with Mad Max one Saturday morning. There were already quite a few alcos there.

Set-up is basic. Zinc roof, long tables, long wooden benches, toddy bartender secured behind reinforced iron grille. Not a spot to impress your date, lemme tell u that straight-up.

Go to bartender, ask for a bottle and pay 3 bucks. Dats right – 3 bucks. For a 1.5 litre bottle. Cheaper than coconut water. Must be government-controlled pricing. Haha. Or subsidy.

Thing is, they dont really supply cups.

Some large man known in these parts as Giant, comes up to me. Giant barks  “How u gonna drink??”

– “From the bottle.”

“Go outside, ask defella there to lend u cups. 10 cents each.”

– “Ha? OK!”

There’s dis micro-stall next door that sells bites and has large pint plastic cups for rent. Cibai ol man cons me n charges 20 cents a cup, and adds “U bring back ah!”

Like am gonna steal dat piece of shit. OK must bring own cups next time.

As good as it gets

As good as it gets

We pour half a cup each, and proceed to enjoy d first sip. Yeaaa, refreshing. It’s sweet and slight bubbly, with a tangy and distinct aroma. The finish is sweet-sour.

Breakfast of champs. They seem to serve pretty fresh stuff here.

Tryin to look cool with toddy

Tryin to look cool drinkin moonshine

Giant decides to join us, sayin he’s been drinkin dis shit for 30 years. He’s a cab driver, and had just finished the graveyard shift. We talk cock, read the papers, and i head back to d micro stall outside to get sum meat – ol man has shit like wild boar curry, lamb belly, steamed beans n sum chicken liver i think. I go for the boar.

He’s got a huge phonebook next to him. Tears off a page, puts a plastic sheet on it, and serves d meat on dat. Phonebooks – handy.

We continue to work on our bottle, then Giant buys us another. At 3 bucks, it’s cool to buy each other bottles!

We get a slight buzz, then tapau a bottle to take home. Stick it in d fridge coz its great chilled. It can keep a few days at least when kept cold.

Natural refreshment

Natural refreshment

Didnt shoot many pictures. This aint a place to be takin pictures like sum stupid blogger. Might get sumtin thrown at your face. Like a parang.

And i gone n deleted almost all of d pix from that session. Wat a bodoh fumble.

Some like to mix toddy with Guinness Foreign Extra Stout. Some with fuckin chilies and onions. Watever turns u on i guess.

Got a palm tree at home? Time for DIY toddy.

This toddy shack is unmarked, so keep your eyes skinned (map). Turn off left from Jln Tun Sambanthan into Sultan Abdul Samad, then right into Berhala. It’s behind Palm Court. ‘Palm’ – how appropriate. Haha.

If the scenario there sounds dingy, u can always tapau. A lot of that goes on.

Spot the bar

Spot the bar

Plan to hit the real deal plantation bars for real fresh toddy in Banting soon. Should be a trip!

Brain damage rating: 7/10

Pix 1 (Sri Lanka) by Srinivasa Krishna


Share

A beer gut is EARNED

That’s right. It’s not easy to get a beer gut. It’s hard work.

Man on a mission

Man on a mission

It requires a lot of consumption.

But it’s a myth that alcohol gives u a booze gut.

Excess calories are generally stored as fat around the belly – dont matter whether d calories come from food or drinks. Your body dont discriminate. (For chicas, excess calories are normally stored around them hips. Or ass.)

So if u got a beer gut (or beer ass), u eating too much!

Whether u put on weight or lose weight is a case of simple math. A 30-year-old male, requires like 3,000 calories a day to sustain his weight and body. If he consumes say 2,500 calories that day, he loses weight, as his body will ‘eat’ his existing fat to make up the 500 calories. If he consumes 3,500 calories, the extra 500 is stored, as fat. Easy.

Fats are basically reserve stock of calories.

Of course if the guy above exercised, more than 3,000 calories might be used up that day. Exercise here also includes walkin all d way to d bar for your drink rather than askin d waiter.

So, if u know your calorie usage per day (calculator here), u can approximate your intake and control your weight / belly /ass !

A can of beer has about 100 calories. A mee goreng, 170, mee kari 450 (data here). A Coke 330ml has about 140. So, might as well have a dam beer!

Generally booze has carbs but zero fat. Spirits have near-zero carbs.

It’s easy to guestimate how much u’re taking. Most items have their calorie content anyway on the outside.

Using this is a guide, I hope to have a six-pack by year-end! Haha! Almost there – merely five more packs to go. Yea!

Who am i kidding?

Anyway, if anyone has an interesting bet, am interested. Suggestions welcomed.

If i lose n dont get a sixer by January, i will quit drinking for the whole month.

Haha. Maybe.

Related Posts with Thumbnails
Share