“U seen my lighter man?”

“EASY come easy go.” Am goddam sure this phrase was invented the same day disposable lighters were. Dont matter if you’re a smoker or not, but if u ever owned a lighter and used it regularly, chances are u would have lost one or a two hundred by now. Where dafuck do they go?

A lighter can look like crap, but there's always a fucker out there ready to swipe it

A lighter can look like crap, but there's always a fucker out there ready to swipe it

But no fear, u can easily replace them – just borrow n forget to return, or swipe that lighter lying around ”unclaimed”. Easy when everyone’s drinking & high.

Though normally associated with clubbing, it happens all the time. Every second of the day, everywhere around the world, lighters are being lost and found. It’s probably d most shared item in the world (after beds).

So I conducted an experiment. I bought five lighters, marked them, and passed them to five friends to see what happens. After just a week, three of them were using different lighters (fuck-knows whose). Out of which two had lost theirs within 24 hours!

No, there’s no syndicate involved. Just da way it is.

Yea sure it’s a negligible cost to lose one. Still, any lighter in my ‘possession’ is set at full flame. “Waa, wasting gas” u say? Why dafuck would I wanna save gas?? I’ll never have the satisfaction of seeing the lighter die of ol age anyway. So burn bright, baby. Just be careful you don’t fry your nose. A really good lighter can even toast your eyebrows.

Yea, max it out

Yea, max it out. The flame should be taller that d lighter itself

Maybe we should be philosophical about the whole thing. Maybe we should consider ourselves ‘Guardians of Lighters’ rather than owners. U never really own a lighter. They just go around, passing through your hands in the process, briefly lighting up your life and then… they’re gone; gone to brighten up some other lives.

Who knows how many folks a lighter passes through before it fizzles out. I have – or rather had – one i borrowed one all the way from Yunnan, China. (Obviously it has been re-stolen by someone else.) If lighters could speak, imagine what tales they could tell…

(If u wanna have sum fun, buy 50 lighters to give away and write your email address on them, saying email me on xx date (like 2 months later) on where u are. Am sure u’ll get mail from all over d country / world. Haha)

If u ask me, (c’mon, ask me!) – matches are d way to go. They maybe relics of an unsophisticated past but they’re also the future. They cost 10 times less than a lighter and which dumbass is gonna swipe it? A fat matchbox with a graphic of a man flying somewhere aint very cool.

But then some might find Mr Flying Man quite fit n sexy. All sorts of weirdos out there. And he’s in tights n shit, all superhero-like. So maybe sum chicks might steal it anyway.

Mr Flying Man's gotta tight ass

Mr Flying Man's gotta tight ass

I actually got to interview one hardcore case. A confessed lighter thief / robber.

He wasn’t in prison. Maybe he should be. Dude’s name is Sam. A kleptomaniac. He has a suspicious collection of about 40 lighters.

“It just happens, man,” he shrugs, and puts a fag in his mouth and reaches for a friend’s light.

Well, it don’t “just happen” this time coz the friend watches his every move, making damn sure his lighter doesn’t end up as statistic No. 41.

“Some nights when I get home from a bar, I empty my pockets and “What the…!”  There’ll be like,  five lighters in there. I don’t know how it happens. I try to recall their owners, but can never remember.”


”None of my friends ever ask for them, so I never know who to return them to,” d fucker says.

Comon, 40 lighters dat are not yours is way too much. Best remedy is to burn all d lighters in a huge bonfire n throw Sam into it. Death to lighter thiefs!


Hippo mouth!

Meet Bill “The Fox” Foster, the fastest drinker in the world! Unfuckinbelievable!



He downs a mug of beer as fast as regular mortals would down a shot of tequila! Shit.

I think he was born without a throat, and with his stomach in his mouth. If i tried it at dat speed, half d beer will be on my shirt n face, d other half will b coolin my nuts.

And mafucker can do it standing on his head??! How is that possible, physically? Where dahell is gravity?

If there’s anyone here who can down a beer anywhere close to dat speed, lemme know. I’d probably organize a speed-drinking competition and get one of our beer breweries to sponsor him!


The vodka solution

D launch of a new vodka took place a few nites ago in Blanc @ Heritage Row. It’s called Solution..

Vodka cocktails on da house

Vodka cocktails on da house

What d bottles look like, coz somehow i didnt take a pic of them

What d bottles look like, coz somehow i didnt take a pic of them. I blame d fever


It’s made in Russia and bottled here. It’s ok la, but didnt get to try it straight.

One strange flavour it comes in is peppermint! Haha. A little too minty for my taste. There’s also unflavoured, orange and lemon.


The welcome drink - Solution Orange, with orange

The welcome drink - Solution Orange, with orange


Vodka cocktails were served quite generously. D dude in charge, Eu Gene from TSE Liquor, said “Make sure yall get wasted!”

Nice words of encouragement!

We sure tried. After d launch a party started kickin downstairs, where some of us moved to.





D alcoholics sure luved it

D alcoholics sure luved it

D vodka is available at clubs & supermarkets. RRP is $85 for unflavoured, $88 for da rest.

Note (update 18/6): I only found out d next day wat a heavy nite this was. Haha! In d car on d way home i was passing d bottle of vodka around n makin everyone drink straight. Dats fine, ‘cept i dont remember! And at our place, Ben Bitch puked on our couch, Mad Max was a corpse all over d hall, n Khang puked too. And got locked out of his own room. Phew. And he basically threw two dudes outtta our house. Haha!

Brain damage rating: 7.5/10


An intimate afternoon with many many vinos

Flavours magazine asked if i wanted to be a judge in a wine-tasting panel.

This is what’s known as a hypothetical question, cos it dont require an answer.

This session was pretty specific – a blind-tasting focused on wines below $80 (retail). BTW blind-tasting dont mean u get blindfolded.

So at 2pm a few days ago, there were four glasses of chilled whites staring at me. Seemed like a sweet deal for a Monday afternoon. The tasting notes chart, where i fill in my comments & ratings, looked like it had many sheets. Hmmm. I assumed we will try about 10 wines, tops.

Bread and a water bottle were the other accompaniments.

O yea, and a spit bowl. Haha. Yea right! Like am gonna spit out perfectly good vino. Gross man.

Hmmph! Get dat bowl outta here! Reminds me of a bed pan

Yea, u stay empty. Just get dat bowl outta here! Reminds me of a bed pan

Yea, spit bowls are for pussies.

But then i was told that we had to go through goddam 28 wines! Huh? Insanity! I want my money back!

Well, since i didnt pay shit, sallgood.

Shy wines having a cold bath

Shy wines havin a cold bath

Anyway, the first four wines went pretty quick. They were chardonnays, followed by several sauvignons. Penfold’s Rawson Retreat Riesling was good. A nice blend of fruitiness and acidity, plus a pleasant, mid-length finish.I could hear mumbled curses from another judge right around wine number 10. Maybe coz it was sweet. Thing is i did expect it to be a lil sweet, and in fact luved it!

I later found out it was a white zinfandel, by Delicato of California. The awesome colour is what grabs u at first (i scribbled into d review comments – “A beautiful deep orange-red – would love to have my V-dub in this colour”.) Haha. It’s got a candy-like nose. If u like something slightly-sweet with a light sherry-like finish, dis is d one. Can be drunk at any time.

Me like. And received a bottle to take home

Me like dis Delicato. And received a bottle to take home. Thanks Suzanne

.At wine 13, i realized i was quite buzzed! Gosh. Only like halfway. There goes gym plans!

After 15, i was like “Lord have mercy!”

Then i was staring at these:

Merciless. 16-19 were the first wave, 20-23 (background) were ready with d second wave

Merciless. 16-19 were the second wave of reds, 20-23 (background) were ready with d third wave

The army of reds attacked – there were seventeen to go thru.

Fuck. My commitment to the cause ‘swayed’ a little.

I leaned back into the chair, took a breath and assessed my situation. Intense. Would i be able to write any sense into d tasting charts?

What did i say about spit bowls earlier?? Dam. Hmm, how do i always get myself into this kinda mess?

Okay 16-19, u wanna dance, we’ll dance!

I was soon back on track, knockin ’em back. There were some real smooth reds – the Delicato Cabernet Sauvignon and Jacob’s Creek‘s Shiraz Cabernet Sauvignon notably. Straight-forward easy reds dat would go well with most meals, as not too overpowering or bold. Should suit all casual drinkers.

But at 20, confusion starts to kick in. They all start smelling d same. I dont know what notes to write! I feel like i was a confused kid in an exam. I bet the deep breaths i took of d reds also got me high.

Other ones i liked were the Kilikanoon The Lackey Shiraz and Penfold’s Koonunga Hill Shiraz Cabernet. Easy-drinkin wines, plesantly surprising, considering under $80. Very suitable for parties too.

OK la i guess. Most wines i liked came from wineries dat have won awards.

If u wanna read my personal version of ‘wine language’, click here!

Wine connoisseurs in really serious thought

Wine connoisseurs in really serious thought

.I sat there for almost three hours, sipping away all d time. Eventually my notes were a lil messed-up. Missed a couple of entry columns too. By 5pm, i was THERE..

The finale. Salud!

The finale. Salud!

.So i took the complimentary bottle of Delicato to Sid’s and had it right away.

I hope d top 5 wines that i submitted to Flavours for publication purposes weren’t like 20 bucks. Haha. Would say something about my taste!


Brain damage rating: 8/10

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