“U seen my lighter man?”

“EASY come easy go.” Am goddam sure this phrase was invented the same day disposable lighters were. Dont matter if you’re a smoker or not, but if u ever owned a lighter and used it regularly, chances are u would have lost one or a two hundred by now. Where dafuck do they go?

A lighter can look like crap, but there's always a fucker out there ready to swipe it

A lighter can look like crap, but there's always a fucker out there ready to swipe it

But no fear, u can easily replace them – just borrow n forget to return, or swipe that lighter lying around ”unclaimed”. Easy when everyone’s drinking & high.

Though normally associated with clubbing, it happens all the time. Every second of the day, everywhere around the world, lighters are being lost and found. It’s probably d most shared item in the world (after beds).

So I conducted an experiment. I bought five lighters, marked them, and passed them to five friends to see what happens. After just a week, three of them were using different lighters (fuck-knows whose). Out of which two had lost theirs within 24 hours!

No, there’s no syndicate involved. Just da way it is.

Yea sure it’s a negligible cost to lose one. Still, any lighter in my ‘possession’ is set at full flame. “Waa, wasting gas” u say? Why dafuck would I wanna save gas?? I’ll never have the satisfaction of seeing the lighter die of ol age anyway. So burn bright, baby. Just be careful you don’t fry your nose. A really good lighter can even toast your eyebrows.

Yea, max it out

Yea, max it out. The flame should be taller that d lighter itself

Maybe we should be philosophical about the whole thing. Maybe we should consider ourselves ‘Guardians of Lighters’ rather than owners. U never really own a lighter. They just go around, passing through your hands in the process, briefly lighting up your life and then… they’re gone; gone to brighten up some other lives.

Who knows how many folks a lighter passes through before it fizzles out. I have – or rather had – one i borrowed one all the way from Yunnan, China. (Obviously it has been re-stolen by someone else.) If lighters could speak, imagine what tales they could tell…

(If u wanna have sum fun, buy 50 lighters to give away and write your email address on them, saying email me on xx date (like 2 months later) on where u are. Am sure u’ll get mail from all over d country / world. Haha)

If u ask me, (c’mon, ask me!) – matches are d way to go. They maybe relics of an unsophisticated past but they’re also the future. They cost 10 times less than a lighter and which dumbass is gonna swipe it? A fat matchbox with a graphic of a man flying somewhere aint very cool.

But then some might find Mr Flying Man quite fit n sexy. All sorts of weirdos out there. And he’s in tights n shit, all superhero-like. So maybe sum chicks might steal it anyway.

Mr Flying Man's gotta tight ass

Mr Flying Man's gotta tight ass

I actually got to interview one hardcore case. A confessed lighter thief / robber.

He wasn’t in prison. Maybe he should be. Dude’s name is Sam. A kleptomaniac. He has a suspicious collection of about 40 lighters.

“It just happens, man,” he shrugs, and puts a fag in his mouth and reaches for a friend’s light.

Well, it don’t “just happen” this time coz the friend watches his every move, making damn sure his lighter doesn’t end up as statistic No. 41.

“Some nights when I get home from a bar, I empty my pockets and “What the…!”  There’ll be like,  five lighters in there. I don’t know how it happens. I try to recall their owners, but can never remember.”


”None of my friends ever ask for them, so I never know who to return them to,” d fucker says.

Comon, 40 lighters dat are not yours is way too much. Best remedy is to burn all d lighters in a huge bonfire n throw Sam into it. Death to lighter thiefs!

Related Posts with Thumbnails