Monthly Archives: May 2009

A beer gut is EARNED

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That’s right. It’s not easy to get a beer gut. It’s hard work.

Man on a mission

Man on a mission

It requires a lot of consumption.

But it’s a myth that alcohol gives u a booze gut.

Excess calories are generally stored as fat around the belly – dont matter whether d calories come from food or drinks. Your body dont discriminate. (For chicas, excess calories are normally stored around them hips. Or ass.)

So if u got a beer gut (or beer ass), u eating too much!

Whether u put on weight or lose weight is a case of simple math. A 30-year-old male, requires like 3,000 calories a day to sustain his weight and body. If he consumes say 2,500 calories that day, he loses weight, as his body will ‘eat’ his existing fat to make up the 500 calories. If he consumes 3,500 calories, the extra 500 is stored, as fat. Easy.

Fats are basically reserve stock of calories.

Of course if the guy above exercised, more than 3,000 calories might be used up that day. Exercise here also includes walkin all d way to d bar for your drink rather than askin d waiter.

So, if u know your calorie usage per day (calculator here), u can approximate your intake and control your weight / belly /ass !

A can of beer has about 100 calories. A mee goreng, 170, mee kari 450 (data here). A Coke 330ml has about 140. So, might as well have a dam beer!

Generally booze has carbs but zero fat. Spirits have near-zero carbs.

It’s easy to guestimate how much u’re taking. Most items have their calorie content anyway on the outside.

Using this is a guide, I hope to have a six-pack by year-end! Haha! Almost there – merely five more packs to go. Yea!

Who am i kidding?

Anyway, if anyone has an interesting bet, am interested. Suggestions welcomed.

If i lose n dont get a sixer by January, i will quit drinking for the whole month.

Haha. Maybe.

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The Drinking Army

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There exists a small, elite group of party animals.

Specialists. Snipers. The cream.

Known as Binatang Parti Malaysia (BPM): Sniper Squad.

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The purpose of this unit is simple – party well n hard, systematically. I’m in it, and so are 15 others – 6 guys, 9 girls and one dog. It was formed a few years ago, and since then whenever we party, especially on da road, everything is set-up smooth. Real smooth. Like clockwork.

There’s nothing required to party that’s lacking.

At the moment it consists of a Lieutenant (me), Sarge (Henry), Sargeant Anil (medic), two Private First-Class (PFCs) and the rest are Privates (Homey is a Private too). No maggots (Cadets) at d mo coz they all been promoted to Privates already. Dam. No one to bully anymore. Need fresh meat.

Some rose up d ranks like naturals, others require more training. Don’t know what Homey’s role is. Well mascot i guess, since our logo is his ancestor, da wolf.

Anyway, the unit members earn points before they get promoted. The better u party, the more points u earn and get a higher rank, eventually. The higher your rank, the more perks and preferences u get. Like d best booze, d best rooms when travelling, d least work, etc. Haha! Am serious. Got facebook group n shit.

We take our partying seriously.

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Clockwise from front - LT, non-member, PFC, Maggot (back then), Private, Private

Party hard! Clockwise from front - LT, non-member/opportunist, PFC, Maggot (now Private), Private, and Private (music fest, Sarawak)

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A Maggot / trainee becomes a Private (a legit member of d squad, but lowest rank) once he / she earns 50 points. Until then, take sum shit!

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A sample of the points system:

Criteria for promotions/demotions

Attending a rave and partying well there – earn 5 points
Mixing drinks etc for us if we’re on decks – 5
Mixing drinks for us (officers) for fun – 5
Being an excellent drinker at all times – 10
Knowledge on booze – 10
Leadership by example, initiative – 10
Downing 8 tequila shots – 10
Knowing extra skills that are useful – 10
Reliable and efficient during a mission – 10
Good and hardworking at mixing drinks, housekeeping of bar & utensils, cleaning up, etc – 15
Generally respectful to your officers – 15
Getting arrested – 10 points per night inside
Brewing moonshine – 30
Organizing parties, vacations, road trips, etc – 35

Demerits:
Disobeying a direct order from a higher rank – minus 5 points
Not finishing a drink without valid cause / wastage – 10 points
Not having a drink after cheers-ing – 10
Sleeping off early during a sanctioned mission without valid cause – 10
Needed to be told what to do (regularly) – 10
Puking – 10
Disrespect to an officer – 15
Not helping out with manual labour, etc (ie lazy) – 15
Behaviour that taints the name of this fine unit – 20
Not hanging out with the unit regularly – 20
Lack of punctuality – 25
Disobeying a direct order from an officer – 25

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Obviously top marks for moonshiners like Mary Jane, who got promoted from Private to Private First-Class as soon as she started makin tuak.

Simple but effective.

“BPM: Coz fun is serious business.”

Tagline. Haha!

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DIY tuak!

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I have had an unending supply of great tuak, thanks to my friend Mary Jane – not her real name la. To protect her identity. She’s afraid her front door will be kicked in by a SWAT Team or hordes of tuak junkies.

She’s been with me at Sarawak many times for the world music fest. We normally get our supply from this hotel in Kuching that’s got da best shit (and d best laksa). Me n my crew would order like 70-80 bottles for d festival n drink kao-kao. Sometimes tapau some back to KL – still got some 07’s left.

Mmmm, golden rice juice. Sarawak laksa + tuak lunch

Mmmm, golden rice juice. Sarawak laksa + tuak lunch, Kuching. Perfection.

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So she liked it so much, she decided to learn makin it here in PJ . Her 50% Sarawakian genes finally kicked-in.

The first batch was ready last year. It turned out good. Some of the following batches were as good or better than d Kuching one! The colour is perfect – gold. Not too murky like d longhouse ones, which are forced down your throat when u go upriver in Sarawak. Man i got some tales about that!

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Some dude I met upriver. Nice hornbill feathers, hope d bird tasted good ol man

Some dude I met upriver. Nice hornbill feathers, hope d bird tasted good with tuak, ol man

Anyway, Mary Jane was kind enough to show me the tuak-brewing process. We”ll share it with yall – anybody can do it. Don’t ask me about d legality. Don’t know & don’t care. D way I see it, we’ve paid way too much booze taxes in this country already. According to The Star, Malaysians pay the second highest tax in d whole goddam planet for beer! Probably d same with other booze.

Like we earn a lot.

If u buy a can of beer for five bucks, about four bucks is tax. Stupid dam government, blowing our hard-earned money! Fuck em.

Anyway, ingredients are easily available. Maybe tedious but not difficult. I have yet to do it coz she’s just so nice to me – keeps me fed and supplied. Thanks Mary Jane! Ur da shit.

Anyway, if u start makin d product now, it will be ready in 3 months. No it’s not instant. Sorry.

Here’s d rundown on how to make tuak aka rice wine.

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Mary Jane has a tuak logbook. With dates & measurements

Mary Jane has a tuak logbook. With dates & measurements. Respect

MJ fixin me a shot to test d latest stuff

MJ fixin me a shot to test d latest merchandise

Wat u need: (measurements based on 1kg of rice, but u can go for 5kg for more product. Multiply other ingredients by five too)

1. Uncooked rice (glutinous rice – can get everywhere, like Tesco) – 1kg

2. Fine sugar – 1kg

3. Yeast – 1.5 pieces – get it from a Chinese medicine shop. Mary Jane gets it from Centerpoint, PJ. It’s “sweet yeast for Chinese wine”. Aka ‘chao peng’.

4. A pot

5. A hose pump or a cup

and that’s it

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Dates of each batch decorate the pot's cover

Dates of each batch decorate the pot's cover

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Moonshiners these days have d latest bottling technology

Process:

1. Cook d rice (if u don’t know how to dat, quit now)

2. Pound yeast into powder, add yeast to rice (cooled down), stir it up in a pot. Always cover the pot (not air-tight, but make sure no dirt or insects get in)

3. Wait 2 weeks (that’s tough)

A layer of liquid will appear above d mix.

4. Boil sugar in water (make syrup), add into pot once cool. Stir it up. Wait 6 weeks (hang in there)

5. Sieve d pot’s contents thru a strainer. Dump the strained stuff, pour d brew back into d pot. Wait a week

6. Pump out the clear liquid which will float above the murky part with a hose / pump. Or u could scoop out with a cup, but that might stir up the murky shit

7. Sieve again. Liquid should be clear – it’s called tuak! Start bottling d stuff

8. Time to drink!

 

Rice - more handy than i thought

Rice - more handy than i thought

It’s legit. Have had many of Mary Jane’s bottles and am still alive. Most important part of d process is hygiene. Sterilize everything with soap (not d ingredients).

Actually she did say sumtin about – u gotta b naked when u do it. Hmmm… dunno la, she hasn’t given me any live demo. Yet.

U can probably brew five bottles per kg of rice. BTW, it’s supposed to taste either sourish-sweet or sweetish-sour. If u have no idea, ask someone who has tasted tuak before to sample it. Like me.

Get busy! Believe me, it’s worth it! Good tuak is awesome stuff, and the high is a real upper.

As they say in Sarawak when u cheers, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Brain damage rating: 7.5/10

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Tuak on Foodista

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Food at Sid’s

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Wrote a food review in The Star last week about the food at Sid’s Pub, which is in Taman Tun and Bangsar South, Kuala Lumpur.

If ur interested in eating there, here‘s d review.

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