I have had an unending supply of great tuak, thanks to my friend Mary Jane – not her real name la. To protect her identity. She’s afraid her front door will be kicked in by a SWAT Team or hordes of tuak junkies.
She’s been with me at Sarawak many times for the world music fest. We normally get our supply from this hotel in Kuching that’s got da best shit (and d best laksa). Me n my crew would order like 70-80 bottles for d festival n drink kao-kao. Sometimes tapau some back to KL – still got some 07’s left.
Mmmm, golden rice juice. Sarawak laksa + tuak lunch, Kuching. Perfection.
So she liked it so much, she decided to learn makin it here in PJ . Her 50% Sarawakian genes finally kicked-in.
The first batch was ready last year. It turned out good. Some of the following batches were as good or better than d Kuching one! The colour is perfect – gold. Not too murky like d longhouse ones, which are forced down your throat when u go upriver in Sarawak. Man i got some tales about that!
Some dude I met upriver. Nice hornbill feathers, hope d bird tasted good with tuak, ol man
Anyway, Mary Jane was kind enough to show me the tuak-brewing process. We”ll share it with yall – anybody can do it. Don’t ask me about d legality. Don’t know & don’t care. D way I see it, we’ve paid way too much booze taxes in this country already. According to The Star, Malaysians pay the second highest tax in d whole goddam planet for beer! Probably d same with other booze.
Like we earn a lot.
If u buy a can of beer for five bucks, about four bucks is tax. Stupid dam government, blowing our hard-earned money! Fuck em.
Anyway, ingredients are easily available. Maybe tedious but not difficult. I have yet to do it coz she’s just so nice to me – keeps me fed and supplied. Thanks Mary Jane! Ur da shit.
Anyway, if u start makin d product now, it will be ready in 3 months. No it’s not instant. Sorry.
Here’s d rundown on how to make tuak aka rice wine.
Mary Jane has a tuak logbook. With dates & measurements. Respect
MJ fixin me a shot to test d latest merchandise
Wat u need: (measurements based on 1kg of rice, but u can go for 5kg for more product. Multiply other ingredients by five too)
1. Uncooked rice (glutinous rice – can get everywhere, like Tesco) – 1kg
2. Fine sugar – 1kg
3. Yeast – 1.5 pieces – get it from a Chinese medicine shop. Mary Jane gets it from Centerpoint, PJ. It’s “sweet yeast for Chinese wine”. Aka ‘chao peng’.
4. A pot
5. A hose pump or a cup
and that’s it
Dates of each batch decorate the pot's cover
Moonshiners these days have d latest bottling technology
1. Cook d rice (if u don’t know how to dat, quit now)
2. Pound yeast into powder, add yeast to rice (cooled down), stir it up in a pot. Always cover the pot (not air-tight, but make sure no dirt or insects get in)
3. Wait 2 weeks (that’s tough)
A layer of liquid will appear above d mix.
4. Boil sugar in water (make syrup), add into pot once cool. Stir it up. Wait 6 weeks (hang in there)
5. Sieve d pot’s contents thru a strainer. Dump the strained stuff, pour d brew back into d pot. Wait a week
6. Pump out the clear liquid which will float above the murky part with a hose / pump. Or u could scoop out with a cup, but that might stir up the murky shit
7. Sieve again. Liquid should be clear – it’s called tuak! Start bottling d stuff
8. Time to drink!
Rice - more handy than i thought
It’s legit. Have had many of Mary Jane’s bottles and am still alive. Most important part of d process is hygiene. Sterilize everything with soap (not d ingredients).
Actually she did say sumtin about – u gotta b naked when u do it. Hmmm… dunno la, she hasn’t given me any live demo. Yet.
U can probably brew five bottles per kg of rice. BTW, it’s supposed to taste either sourish-sweet or sweetish-sour. If u have no idea, ask someone who has tasted tuak before to sample it. Like me.
Get busy! Believe me, it’s worth it! Good tuak is awesome stuff, and the high is a real upper.
As they say in Sarawak when u cheers, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Brain damage rating: 7.5/10