It’s got a classic and cozy feel, with the use of bricks and wood adding to the ambience.

Spacious

To warm-up, a pint of Franziskaner was in order. This is probably my fave beer at the mo, a German wheat beer. Unlike Hoegaarden (Belgium), this one has similar flavours, but more body, and less fruity.

There are loads of beers on tap here – eleven varieties, with stuff u normally cant get on tap.

Starters

Erdinger white and dunkel (dark), Franziskaner white and dunkel, Leffe Blonde and Brune, Stella Artois, Blackthorn, Hoegaarden, Connors and Carlsberg. Plus 23 types in bottles.

Erdinger is a light-tasting wheat beer, lighter than Hoegaarden. Extremely easy-drinking, with a low finish – an easy intro to beer for anyone.

Dammit. Salivating

I also had the Franziskner dunkel draft. A more toasty and aromatic wheat beer.  Any pint of Franz/Erdinger costs $27 nett during happy hours (5-8) and $32 after.

Food. There was  a buffet goin on, and the joint was full. With more than 20 varieties lined-up at only 35 bucks per person, its unsurprising. Takes place every Fri/Sat, booked up till next month!

Tap-filled island bar

Had a peep – there was stuff like pizza, white wine mussels, lamb cuts, pork schnitzel, paella, Italian meatballs, pork sausages, and even pork knuckle! We sampled some – all were good, especially the calamari rings – fresh, tender, with a crispy outer.

Stuff-your-face buffet

Anyway, started our meal with a Seafood Paella ($60 net for two). This was a hit, and the crew couldn’t stop havin a go. Loaded with seafood like large prawns, plus spicy Chorizo (sausages). Just the right amount of greasiness and goo-iness, and well-balanced with spices and herbs.

The Spaghetti en Papillote ($68) rocked as well. This is oven-baked, sealed with foil, and inside are squid, prawns, mussels, clams, anchovy fillets, capers, olives and assorted veg. The pasta’s consistency was perfect al dente, and the loads of garlic chips just sealed da deal.

For two pax

Then came the Little Piggy. Danny of Es Para Ti brings out a suckling pig. Looked kinda alive. I tickled his ears but he didnt react. The quarter hog ($55) was done just right, still juicy. The clincher was the volcanic chili that comes with it! Insane.

The guys gave approving nods while they munched into all the bites. From others’ feedback, i hear the roast duck and steaks are good too.

If ur interested in the buffet, call and enquire, as its kinda popular, and walk-ins might not get it.

Look at dat shine. U need a blusher man

Portions are generous. All prices at Es Para Ti are nett, which is cool.

Standard liquors are between $280 and $300, and there’s a good range of single malts.

There’re shitloads of hot and cold tapas. Hours are noon till ‘very late’ daily, and the kitchen’s open till 12am, but snacks are available till much later.

Wide choices of wines

One of three private lounges

I almost charged into the 'cellar'

Unfortunately, after dinner, we got so stuffed that there was a leftover, which Homey swallowed:

Yo, dont HOG it niga

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Brain damage: 7.5/10

The food is actually authentic Thai. With good selection of grills.

More on that later. Our first drink was a giant margarita. Like fuckin huge. U could lose your face in it.

As compared to a large pack of fags

This is the Funky Rita, with four layers of flavour & colours ($67.85 net). It will take u ages to go thru this frozen stuff! Maybe an hour. So its best to keep this as a side drink while u have your main drink. Its def d largest glass of cocktail i’ve ever attacked.

My fave part is d top, which is a strawberry mix. There are like nine frozen cocktails dat come in these gorilla glasses, like Mama Alexander (rum, Tia Maria, coconut cream)  and Peach Alexander (Cognac, Creme de Cacao, peach liquer).

Tripped out, as the outlet is inspired by Koh Phangan's full moon parties

Melon Colada shd make a decent dessert – rum, Midori, coconut cream, honeydew & vanilla ice-cream.

Totolly trrropikal marn.

Illusion - fruity

We also had some Illusion ($29.90) (Vodka, Malibu, Blue Curacau, Midori, OJ). Strong shit. But like any such cocktail, goes down quick.

I gotta say for a Thai joint, d place has quite a few drinks in its list.

D little food dat we had was great. One amazing dish from northern Thailand is the goddam Ra Hum On Jun. No shit.

Take me to your dealer

Like nothing i’ve had in my life. Basically boiled egg wrapped in fishcake ($15). Am not really a big fan of either one, but man. The eggs are boiled to i dunno 85% or sumtin, so its not totally hard yet, jelly-like, and combines with the spicy fishcake topped with sum salad to blow your mind outta yor skull.

For sharers

After recovery we dug into some platter. Tong Lo ($55.20). This one is kinda a good grill sampler of seafood, tenderloin, prawn cake, spring rolls and a mango salad. For a couple of alcos like me & Byron, we had a tough time finishing it coz our stomachs were full of margarita!But i gotta say, the outlet’s grilled food is excellent. A great accompaniment for drinks. There’re also loads of That tapas.

The menu is very extensive. Makin a choice could be a problem! There are six Thai chefs there.

So our food escapade ended right there, and we moved on to the Nutcracker, a cocktail of vodka, Irish Cream, Amaretto, hazelnut liqeuer and a lil vanilla ice-cream.

Yummy

The outlet is labelled as a Thai Grill & Wine Room. It does have outdoor BBQ, as well as some wines. There’re actually several sections to it – the dining area inside, the bar  area, the cushy lounge, the patio, and the newly-launched Balcony & Funky Villa.

Loungin

Barcony is a mezzanine floor, more like a balcony. A great spot for private parties or BBQs. I watched this fish (below) being BBQ-ed – lemongrass-stuffed, (thru d damn mouth) salt-baked sea bass, a northern delicacy. I tried a lil. Niice.

Pla Krapong Tod Sam Rod. Seriously.

The semi-outdoor Balcony

They got sum sweet lunch deals:

OK wat

Happy hours – noon till 6pm – $51.75 for two pints Hoegaarden, Stella or Connor’s. ($63.25 from 6pm-10pm). Carlsberg pitcher at $41.40 from noon till 10pm. Funky Villa opens till late.

Beware the crazy bird..

Yesss... beware

It’s got two floors (the upper one is called The Attic) and an outdoor area, which will be renovated into a garden theme soon.

Factory visit

One of the guys there, Kent, invited me over to check it out. And hit some of their house cocktails, with the help of head barman Daniel.

After a pint of Franziskaner, Daniel came to our table to set-up. There were mixers, flammable thermogel, a stove, a pan and Jack Daniel’s.

Mini-kitchen

Then he got busy. He started to cook something right there. It looked like frying.

Oi! Main masak-masak ah??

Barman Daniel cookin up

It’s a cooked cocktail called Take Me Home -  whisky, rum, Triple Sec, chocolate cubes, strawberry puree, cranberry juice & sweet ‘n sour. I fuckin loved it, coz it went down real easy, with a candy-like flavour. The chocolate bits was d clincher. It will hit u for $63.25 net (two servings).

Result

He proceeded to make us Strawberry Long Island Iced Tea ($40.25), with strawberry puree and crushed strawberries. Pretty strong. Some adjustment in strawberry flavour might be required if u prefer it sweeter. Its also available in a giant tumbler for $172.50.

Bastardized long island

The bar also serves Erdinger draft

There are five signature cocktails.

Beers on tap are Carlsberg, Hoegaarden, Connor’s, Erdinger, Fraziskaner and Stella, with prices ranging from $17.25 to $34.50, while happy hours are until 12am daily for now, and will revert to 10pm sometime in d future. Operation hours are 5pm to 2am daily.

There’re also about 30 bottled beers. At the mo, there’re bar snacks, but there’ll be more when the outlet’s launched & the kitchen’s fully in op.

Bottles are available – JW Black ($333.50 net), Absolut ($264.50), J Daniel’s ($310.50), Bacardi ($264.50, Jose Cuervo ($264.50).

Drinks list

The upper floor lounge, Attic

There’re promo prices for drinks during the World Cup.

Soon (probably mid-July), there will be a competition, Chapter 1, involving Erdinger. It’s 3-liters, 3 persons, 3 minutes, 3 Cemeteries, 300 bucks. Three of u will be given 3 minutes to down a HUGE fucking glass of Erdinger, followed by a cocktail each. Buy-in is $300 (pretty steep).  The winning team gets a 30-liter keg of Carlsberg.

The overall grand prize winner over the several months will win a year’s supply of booze. More details u better call ‘em.

Hmmm. If beer weren’t so gassy, might give it a shot. The gas build-up is fuckin puky. It aint so bad with a weissbier tho. And a year’s supply of booze might kill me. Nice way to die eh.

But still my rep will drop if i end up spraying beer on spectator’s faces/shoes. Uncool.

Big daddy awaits - the 3-liter glass (next to a pint glass)

Drinks list

Being a 150, too little power for me. Am into bikes, but not small ones. But this one’s a lil different. When ur off-road, a light bike’s more flexible and maneuverable.

With my buddy for d weekend

The review‘s for The Star. Since none of their writers ride, i get to do it. Suits me just fine of course.

A pit-stop

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Riverside campsite

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A shotgun shell. This one says '9', meaning 9 pellets are fired out. Most likely to hunt boar. And tresspassers

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The stop for the night was kinda middle of nowhere. Traversed lots of dirt roads to get there.

Make sure u have an invitation tho – coz if u dont, it’s graphically elaborated below -

Prosecuted my ass. More like "Tresppassers will have their heads blown clean off by a fucking large shotgun behind d neck."

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Our pad

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Bridge?? Watdat?

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Next morning, we had to take a hill. Bad scene. The wet ground was slippery as shit. Tyres were spinning, bikes were dancing and dirt was flyin. I went into full throttle, but the rear wheel just spun and we got nowhere, ‘cept side-to-side, like a fish tail.

The horse finally kinda threw me off. The bike’s rear was dancin n goin sideways so i let it fall.

Encountered foggy conditions

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The campsite HQ

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BBQ goin on. They shd have cooked this bastard too. I fuckin hate geese

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Chocolaty conditions

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Headin into an Orang Asal village

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Takin a break from the dirt at a fuckin high waterfall, highest in d state

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Expected the weekend to be more hardcore, so was a lil disappointed coz i didnt crash into some mud pit or sumtin, cept for the minor fall of the bike. Did ride straight into a bamboo grove tho when i took my eyes off d trail for one second. Haha!

Maybe next time.

D next ride i plan to trash. Luv it. This gorjes babe's a 600. Goin for 30k

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Brain damage: Reversed due to fresh air

Must be the mental haze caused by all dat langkau, the local Sarawak liquor-moonshine made from rice. Similar to lao lao from Laos.

Like some hard-hittin chicano party. If it seems hardcore, it was

Started the trip in style – straight from Kuching airport to this local hotel, Telang Usan, the usual pit-stop for a heavy tuak + laksa lunch. Got wasted then headed to Damai, a seaside area where the resorts and Rainforest World Music Festival venue (SCV – Sarawak Cultural Village) are.

Rice. Nice

As we had rooms in SCV, a couple of their staff came out to greet us. As soon as i put my backpack on d road, there was a sound – a clunk of tuak bottles. The guys, Leo and Bujang, heard it. Leo says “That’s a nice sound!” I reply “Tuak!” He says “We have langkau! Come over to the Iban Longhouse tonite.” I say “OK.” The village has showhouses of the major tribes in Sarawak.

Our pad was in the Melanau Tall House – a huge house on 49 high pillars.

High in our high house

Around midnight, a bunch of us head to the Iban Longhouse. I’ve had much drinking experience with d locals – in urban scenes as well as deep upriver in d interior longhouses, so i knew wat to expect – hardcore shit. Expect no mercy, show no mercy! But some of d boys were nervous. Haha!

When we go in, there’re a bunch of locals doin langkau, with Leo n Bujang. We get down to business. A little cup was passed around. It was sum cocktail – langkau plus some Tsingtao beer. Watever. Once u sit your ass on the ruai, you don’t get fussy or picky. U down wat u get.

“Express style,” Leo says. Which means the cup keeps going around. A shot is poured, u shout ooooohaaa!, down it, and pass it back to the tekong aka sadong – which is d guy who does d pouring, which was Bujang. He keeps pouring n passing. Later he adds tuak to d mix!

Leo, the Maori-lookin Iban

Then some other moonshine shows up – Glenford whisky. Made in Sibu. 15 bucks a bottle – shockingly smooth. Then Bujang mixes d whisky n the langkau. Neat.

Gosh, what a session. Fuckin merciless. Get high or die tryin.

Always a lot of thirsty people in Sarawak. I like.

We staggered home.

D next day was Friday, d start of d three-day fest. D music on Friday night, like last year, was crap. I didnt bother to attend d night show coz d tunes would have put me to sleep, so partied in d room.

Ben Bitch in our little party room aka d Penthouse aka d Crack Den aka the Whore House

From others’ feedback, music was crap. Lullabies.

Friday nite n Saturday nite we end up with d Iban boys again after d gig, with a twist – there was a snack with d langkau – live, fatass sago worms. Joleen had gone to her kampung in Bau n got some. Fuckdatshit. I wasnt planning on havin any. D others went for it. “Crunchy n juicy” it seems. I’ll stick to crunchy peanuts n juicy pork ribs with my booze.

Fat fucks tryin hard to make a getaway

D boys introduced us to a new kid called Royal. At 15 bucks a bottle, a good deal. Another Sibu product. Sarawak’s sure got a thrivin liquor industry! The label says brandy-flavoured liquor. Haha! At least it was smooth, though neat. Some dude called Alfred seems to vouch for its quality. Whodafuck Alfred?

If u say so Al

Which one's water, which one's langkau?? Only one way to find out. Actually 2 - taste it, or smell it. In dis case, langkau at rear

D band worthy of being labelled as world music n deserved to be there was Akasha (Malaysia). Brickfields Blues was super. And of course the Irish Joget. Awesome mix of traditional and modern styles! (Listen here). But some idiot put them on as d first act, when their rockin, creative tunes should have been d closing act. Seems like Malaysian bands never get to be the closing act.

The music flow at the festival was pretty bad. An upbeat band followed by dinner / elevator music (Red Chamber, China). Saturday night i went back to d room midway. Haha. Coz d music was affecting my high. Potong nevermind, but fuckin turun straight.

D fest should be renamed d world jazz fest or chillout tunes fest. Coz dat sums it up. Musically it has become unexciting and very ordinary since ’07. The crazy bands are gone, so are the tribal tunes. The crowd seemed less this year.

Dont matter, coz i had a fuckin blast anyway. Ben Bitch said sumtin weird one of those nites  – “I’m drunk like no drunk before!”

Headed straight to Sid’s Pub for drinks after arrival at LCCT. Had to end it right. Need closure.

Thank God for d crew i was with n d boys who hosted n entertained us there. OOOOHAAAA mafuckers!

Chillin..

Our kampung

Yea, deliver our breakfast n scram, u man-faced kid

Ben Bitch lettin loose in an outhouse, with Bunkface queuing-up

A kliering (very large burial pole)

The finale, Sunday nite

Quality. Alfred quality

Ben Bitch doin some nightwater rafting

Da beach, Damai

Trendy head-hunters' swords. Used.

After-touchdown-party, KL

My thirst was quenched!

Brain damage rating: 9/10

If ur interested in eating there, here‘s d review.