We can piss anytime, anywhere, and it’s awesome!

Fuck the long toilet queues at festivals or events or clubs. We’re in and outta there in a flash, to the point chicks start using the Gents. Girls just take too damn long. (Yea, even when paying for stuff)

Hell, we could piss into bottles if we wanted to. Am sure many guys have, coz we got a hose. Handy when you’re in a canoe / kayak and cant stand up due to instability (done dat).

Chicks, well, they have…   not a hose.

Once some asshole even pissed into a beer bottle n left it in the toilet, hoping someone will think its beer and go for it. I didnt buy it.

I have thought about inventing an adapter so chicks can piss standing up.

The human bladder typically holds up to 800ml, but we tend to ‘go’ when it hits 200ml. So i guess u can hold longer than u think.

Booze, damn u!

Guys who’ve never taken a piss outdoors in their adult life probably dont have a dick.

Anyway, when drinking you tend to piss a lot, especially right after you Break the Seal. Damn that crazy phenomenon. You need to practise mind-over-bladder.

And if you’re moving from one place / bar to another or are in the outdoors, you sometimes have no choice but to find the most convenient piss spot.

Anyway, i prefer the outdoors.

Guys have pissed everywhere (dont know about girls), but here’s my opinion of our top choices.

The most common is probably a -

1. Drain.

A crowd favourite

Upside: It’s clean, convenient, with zero splash-factor

Downside: You could fall in and drown in your own piss

Pissability rating: 4/5

2. Tree

A girl once asked me why guys always have to piss against something. Haha! Hmmm…

Two reasons:

1) We’re dogs

Ride em cowboy!

2) It ensures there’s little splash, or it would make your shoes unhappy.

Anyway, tree: Upside: Safe, minimal splash

A cock's eye-view

Downside: We need for the trees to survive

Pissability rating: 4.5/5

3. Lamp post

Upside: It’s there. It’s upright

Downside: Very bright. Also if there’s an electricity malfunction, your dick will burn off, while you breakdance n die

Gotta think twice with this one

Pissability rating: 2/5

4. Flat surface

Naa

Generally a dumb idea.

Upside: You can draw designs

Downside: Splash-fest. And in your ecstasy of releasing the pressure, you might not hear the car until it’s over you

Pissability rating: 1/5

5. Car wheel

Whether your car or others . A dog favourite too. Homey squirts on my car wheel all d time.

Probably mess-up the brakes

Upside: They everywhere! And each car has four targets to choose from

Downside: It takes the shine off. Also, high splash-factor if you dont get the angle right

Pissability rating: 3/5

6. Wall / fence

No-brainer

Upside: Walls are everywhere. Minimal splash. Feels like a real wall-urinal, but outdoors, and smell-free. And the outstretched arm against the wall provides much-needed stability

Downside: None

Pissability rating:  5/5. Perfect score!

Blissss.....

The weirdest piss i ever had while senget was onto the hood of a car that i thought was unoccupied. Turns out it was occupied. Sort of. You can read about that crazy, ripped, Night Train-fueled night here.

Sorry i dont do stairwells or elevators or indoor spots; that’s for morons.

Did i leave anyone out? There’re also fire hydrants, grass, sign posts, bushes, pots, mile stones, pillars, campfire (to douse fire; fireman mode), logs, lakes.

Next time you take a piss, try a new target eh?

But whats probably worse is the other way around – chicks who have boyfrens dat cant party as well as them! I mean, comon, thats lame.

If i was a chick, i’d probably dump him. It wdnt work, not for long anyway.

Partyin should be unisex, right?

Somehow its ok if a dude’s girlfren dont go out/party. Its kinda acceptable. And sum guys who go out a lot dig that shit. They want a sit-at-home-woman. I’ll reserve my comments about these freaks for now.

But if a man cant keep up with his gerl, i’m sorry but thats just goddam weird.

And its bound to be a source of tension between d couple.

Unless he’s your permanent designated driver. In which case, lucky u. But u know he wont do it forever right? Someday he’ll crack. “Bitch!! I cant do this anymore!! Fuuuck!!!!” And stick d kitchen knife into your belly.

Or worse, give you the ultimatum – “Choose!”. Haha! Easy choice. CHOOSE LIFE.

Either way, am glad am a guy.

The drinking industry is still sexist. Its funny how beer ads especially always focuses on guys, when in fact a lot of chicks drink beer too. The video below is an example.

Am no expert in relationships, but my advise to d ladies would be patience – avoid these geeks and unadventurous types n wait till u get a guy who’s at least as hardcore as u are.

Like, find someone who wont mind puking next to you.

In d meantime, u guys with chicks, watch the video and weep!

Or move to Argentina.

DIA (not to be confused with but possibly related to d hospital term DOA – dead on arrival), happens with very quick, or excessive consumption of alcohol. Or both.

Liquor mostly. I doubt it works with beer, unless u do helluva lot.

Goes down too easy

U forget stuff dat happened. Like ordering more drinks, then only realizing d next day -  coz yor pockets are outta cash.

Or d last bar u were at. Or driving home. Or even sex! (Similar to cock amnesia.)

I once crossed busy Jln Ampang to get to another party n dont remember that, and d next two hours. Haha

Daaamn.

Unfortunately some people cant behave appropriately when under DIA, and wont even remember it.

Dont remember

Its actually pretty amazing. At the time when ur under DIA, ur generally a perfectly-functioning human, able to do whatever your brain normally does, from the mundane and basic to the complicated, like pissing, havin conversations, calculating cash, driving, eating. But d next day, it’s like it never happened! Was your brain off?

Its like sleep-walking. Kinda weird. I used to sleep-walk too.

I guess over-drinking affects d brain cells dat control short-term memory. It sucks coz many times, u REALLY had a great time, but its been fuckin erased from your memory forever. I think besides a hangover, this is what i hate most about booze.

U gotta rely on eye-witness reports to fill u in. That dont always work either, coz if u dont remember what u dont remember, u wouldnt even ask. So sometimes u’ll NEVER know dat u had DIA.

D other way to jog your memory a lil are photos of d scenes.

Don't remember

Some research done indicates that “These periods of amnesia are primarily “anterograde,” meaning that alcohol impairs the ability to form new memories while the person is intoxicated, but does not typically erase memories formed before intoxication.”

Praise the lord! So its just ‘temporary brain damage’. Cool.

However the prick also concluded that “occurrence of blackouts is a powerful indicator of alcoholism.” Yea right.

There’s also DIA-within-DIA. Besides not remembering d next day, u dont remember during the piss-up what u said like three fuckin minutes ago. Like “where do u live?!”. Askin d same goddam question five times in a night. Dats cause its been documented that your memory in such situations lasts two minutes.

Wow. Fish brain.

Don't remember

This part of the report about ‘state-dependent memory’ is cool – “It is not uncommon to hear stories of drinkers who stash alcohol or money while intoxicated, and locate the hiding places only after becoming intoxicated again.” Haha!

Basically DIA stems from an inability to transfer information from short-term to long-term storage. Your neurons are in a twist. D report notes “a key predictor of blackouts is the rate at which subjects consumed their drinks.” So it happens more to fast drinkers.

I say watch those shots. More than one a minute and ur askin for DIA. One every 90 seconds should be fine.

She’s cute, cuddly and stands at 155cm.

Rosa has “a hairless ‘boing-type’ body-hole”. Aka pussy.

She’s d latest bitch coz her body is seamless in the joint areas, being silicone n all.

None of ‘em latex crap. Dats yesterday. D future is silicone. Her silicone breasts are also soft and realistic, and so is her skin. It is smooth and does not feel like latex when touched / fucked.

High-priced body-hole

Fuckdatshit. A lil too kinky for me.

Japs are strange. Probably d most schitzo society i know.

They’re all polite n proper n decent but under d surface lies some crazy desire for sexual adventure. In a way, itz cool. Just coz ur nice n courteous dont mean u cant be open about yor perversions.

Anyway, these love dolls aka Candy Girls are big time shit. The latest model (Rosa) will set u back about 20 grand. Bitch.

There’s spare parts like spare pussy for US$160.

There was dis interview with sum dude who has a room full of ‘em. He’s spent more than half a million so far on his babes.

Dude watches TV with them & bathes them n shit.

He’s one of an increasing number of Japanese men who have givun up on dating and marrying women in the real world. “He turns to his dolls for love, affection and sex.” It’s known as agalmatophilia.

Checkitout -

Fuckin hell. How is dat possible? Am sure he has ‘conversations’ with them too, and breaks up fights between them.

Freakeaay.

I mean wat next?? Would the guys actually start goin out with them? Take em out on dates n drives. Take em to d park?

My friend Fadly said there’s a great movie about a guy who goes out with a doll, called Lars & the Real Girl. Will have to get it.

I guess d upside is i could open a whorehouse here n it would be completely legit! Coz technically, its not prostitution coz it aint human. The cops cant bust me for pimpin.

Imagine that. I’d be a doll pimp!

My street nick would probably be ‘Rubbers’.

Or Rub-A-Dub. Coz ‘Dollie’ is worse.

There could be a fuckin franchise of doll whorehouses all over d city in all d hoods n suburbs. I could make millions.

But its probably cheaper to buy real hookers.

So fuggedaboutit. Its a language u dont need to comprehend. Just nod when ur spoken to.

The way i see it, there are 4 levels of highness -

i) the initial one is the Tease - where u feel sumtin goin on. Some pussies would happily always stop at this stage (Recommended drink to get this: beer / stout / cider / wine / easy cocktails like Screwdriver, Mojito)

ii) then there’s the High - ur feelin a good buzz, talkin louder, more sociable, smiling (Recommended drink: Wine, easy liquors like vodka, rum)

iii) the ur There - really intoxicated, all over the place, buying more booze that u dont really need, possibly doin a mutual-groping session, generally very happy (Recommended drink: any liquor, hard cocktails like Long Island)

At this point, its really 50-50 where its goin – ur walkin a fine line, on the edge – u would either maintain this high, or go over to the other side and get wasted, coz the high wants to just feed on itself. Could lead to the fourth stage of..

iv) Drunk - either mumbling or shouting (depending on the person), half-eyes, partial tongue & mouth paralysis, conversing with strangers / the toilet attendant, not remembering names, snogging, lookin for / organizing an after-party, asking the same damn questions / sayin d same things, dont remember how u got home, a possible toilet-bowl-hugger, and finding strange name cards in your pocket / numbers in your phone d next day. Could lead to drink-induced-amnesia. But dats another story. (Recommended drink: skyjuice).

Getting There - its half d fun

In the world of drinking, there are some common alco terms – some are standard-issue, some i made up.

Anyway, here’s some basic terms to get u by.

Sotong (squid) = legless / rubber legs. When u legs feel like they’re giving way under u while ur standing / walking. U could also take one step forward and two steps back, making little progress. In such situations, sit dafuck down

Superb sotong demo here

Ketam (crab) = Not as bad as sotong. U walk like a crab, ie sideways (zig-zag), but at least in the general direction. Pretty common occurence

Drink responsibly = make sure u finish your fucking drink! Wastage is highly irresponsible

Aaarh! Bantai ah!! = The term for “cheers!” in Malaysia if there was one. Can be shortened to “Bantaiii!”

Aa, jemput minum… = a more polite version of the above

Silakan...

Ride the train = Drink Night Train and get fucked-up

Brown-out = “Less intense than the experience of “blacking out” when drunk and not remembering portions (or all) of your night, “browning out” occurs when you don’t remember something until someone brings it up. It’s not a complete blackout, but partial, because you remember once someone refreshes you.” (quoted from Urban Dictionary)

Skull / down / yamseng / cuci = To finish your drink off. Other available terms – polish, clear, mop-up

Potong (cut) = when your getting-high is interrupted by something

Turun (descend) = When your high actually comes down due to something, usually something unpleasant. A sobering experience

Lightweight / fairy / pussy = someone who cant drink

Alco = someone who knows how to

High = intoxicated, buzzed, lift-off, tickled, tipsy

And of course, the most number of terms is to describe..

Drunk = smashed, wasted, balls-up, senget, totalled, woman/man-down, OD, bent, gone, terbabas, blazed, fucked-up, whacked, bowl-hugger, out, tit-floored, hammered, sloshed, trashed, shit-faced, sideways, wrecked, pissed, terbalik

Some viewers say he’s on ketamine or some other drug. Those who say that have never been totally drunk before.

This situation is known among drunks as rubber legs or being legless. Sotong laa.

The worst cases for me is when i take one step forward, but two steps back. Or do the crab – try to walk forward but zig-zag instead. Ketam. (Will do a glossary of boozing terms soon.)

Its useless trying to be useful in dat stage. Your eyes can hardly see coz they half-closed, your mouth and tongue seem paralyzed & spew out some martian language, your legs forget how to go forward, your balance doesnt exist, and you can even forget where u are.

In fact u might walk like a gangster – your legs are already ahead of u, but your body is catching up. So u look like ur leaning back n walking. Haha

So whats this guy tryin to prove? Haha! The guys who sent him on the beer run must be as fucked or worse.

Definitely an A for effort.

The funniest parts for me is when he’s tryin to open d cooler door, and when he ‘leaves’.

Brain damage: 10/10. PERFECT!

Urban Dictionary has a reasonable definition.

Watever the cause, its fuckin irritating. Sometimes it makes me wanna piss into an empty bottle under d table. It aint so bad for guys tho. We could always take a walk outside n fire away. And guys can piss anywhere on the way to & from a pub or bar. Car parks, trees & drains are a fave.

In fact, i’ve thought of creating a disposable piss adaptor that chicks can wear over d groin, so they too can piss anywhere while standing up. How ladies? Interested? Its fun.

Well, cavemen/women had it easier.

And at least there r no queues at guys toilets. If i was a girl, i probably wd have pissed while in queues many times by now. I guess chicks got better holding power, since they can like give birth n shit. Respect.

Its worse with outlets that dont have d goddam decency to provide a toilet, like the glorified mamak, Laundry.

The human bladder is about 5in by 3in, and has a max capacity of about 800ml – one liter, or at least one bottle of wine, but we tend to have the urge from 200ml.

Beer - biggest dam culprit for pissing problems

Holding piss in is one of the biggest side-effects and problems associated with drinking. (Other than not remembering what happened of course.) We ALL know how good it feels when u finally let go. In fact, its almost orgasmic.

Why does this happen tho. Why does the first piss open d floodgates? Any scientific explanation?

Anyway, from my research, there are a few theories.

One says “If you have to pee that much sooner as you continue drinking, it may be that you are simply less able to control your bladder, the drunker you become. I’ve seen drunks pee their pants without them even knowing it.”

Wat u talk? Our bladders also get drunk??

U can checkout how some medic school geeks study the issue at this blog. Too techy for me.

The best answer? “Because alcohol inhibits the hormone that helps your body hold onto water (it’s called ADH, or anti-diuretic hormone). So your urine output increases rapidly, out of proportion to the amount you drink, and your bladder fills up quicker and quicker. This is how you get dehydrated despite the fact that you are taking in fluids. Short answer – you are making more urine (more than d liquids u consume). It has nothing to do with the mechanics of the bladder.”

Thanks Einstein. But u didnt give a solution, did u asshole? Pop some ADH pills?

Even when u drink LITERS of black shit, your piss comes out clear right away. Where does all that black go??

My only solution – have a good piss as soon as i arrive at d drinking spot. So it takes a lot longer before i gotta break da seal. Coz drinking less is outta d question.

In fact, drinking while pissing is niice. (Though it seems like ur wasting booze – it feels like its goin straight from throat to bladder to urinal.)

Also, u got a sterile, nice-tasting liquid to wash up with. Cool.

Either i have a retarded tongue, or i’m really bad at description, coz most of d time, i dont get what the experts say they’re gettin.

They will sniff and sip a wine and describe all these lovely things they’re experiencing. Trippin out n shit. Makes me jealous actually.

I on d other hand will down it and say to myself, “Daaam, dis shit tastes like wine alrite!” Still, i enjoy attending tastings, especially wines, coz i goddam luv drinking wine. Lots of character and stories in wines. And wine gets me high in a hurry.

It’s also the only acceptable accompaniment to Italian food. NOT iced-lemon tea.

Did a judging of 28 wines once, which was awesome.

Blind tasting in session

Some tasting notes i have for a wine says “It exhibits extraordinary purity, and beautiful sweet blackberry and cassis notes along with hints of graphite, camphor, and a subtle, but intense meaty character. It’s already revealing a wide array of aromas including blackberry tart, cedar, violets, truffles, liquorice.”

Huh what? U wanna run dat by me again?

When they start putting camphor in, dats too much. I mean, i aint got goddam cockroaches in my stomach to have to fuckin drink camphor.

“Blackberry tart”? Now there’s a tart in there too! Wow, can i meet her?

Should shove a bottle of tuak down one of their throats and say “U detect the tart now bitch??”

What are these guys, fuckin botanists?

But it is pretty impressive, actually.

An orchard

i can detect elements like fruit, vanilla, tannins, mellowness/boldness, spice, dryness, smoothness, oak and the length. But I start to get lost / high, when things i’ve never had before get mentioned, like gooseberries (is dat goose shit?), and honeyed junipers.

Next time, i’ll try harder. Need to be more focused and sensitive. Close my eyes and do it right. And spew lines like “Hmmm… Yes, yess. Veeery interesting. Yesss. I too detect a gallant presence of vanilla, tempered by a rather teasing whiff of lightly-sauteed night-picked mushrooms, bold pillars of spring flowers, with a seductive nibble of freshly-ground, summer-sunned horse shit. Yes, yess.”

To each his own i guess. What would be good is a wine education session based on smells (and tastes) Malaysians are more familiar with, like lychee, satay, Roti Boy and exhaust fumes. Otherwise how do we relate?

Well, if u ask me, booze is not meant to be over-analyzed. It’s meant to be appreciated and enjoyed. Of course to appreciate, u need to be informed and educated. If u wanna over-analyze, go for a food review or get a PhD.

Tequila-tastings, i have NO problems fitting in. Aint exactly refined, high-society events

There’s this great article at Playboy.com about wine snobs and how to get into their game, called Real Wine, Fake Experts. There’s dis dude who writes for Playboy, Dan Dunn aka the Imbiber. Funny guy. Quote: “I routinely encounter pompous schmucks who believe they possess God’s own palate, and that they deserve the adulation of everyone around them for swirling some fermented grape juice around in their mouths and pronouncing it “troubling, yet brilliant.”.

And tip No 7 .
7. DON’T SLURP. DON’T SPIT. DON’T USE THE PHRASE “NICE LEGS”
It’s a wine tasting, not a construction site.

I know many people who’ve had arguments with the managers at all Chili’s outlets – usually over stupid shit. Me included. Will get to that later.

Yea!

Anyway, the Guinness here is good. It’s d creamiest n by far the coldest u’ll find, as they’re served in thick-glass, frozen mugs. Most outlets, including Sid’s, dont freeze or even chill their glasses, and d Guinness is not cold enough. As soon as it’s poured into the warm glass, the drink starts to lose its taste. But Chili’s is only worth visiting during happy hours, which is 3pm to 7pm. It ends way too early.

As good as ice-cold root beer!

Incident One

Went to d Bangsar outlet with a friend n sit at d bar. I ask d waitress for d drinks list. We feel like vodka orange. Then i ask her, “Is it still happy hours for liquor?” She says yes. I say “OK then, gimme two screwdrivers.” I’m obviously referring to the happy hour drinks.

The drinks come. We order two more, then ask for d bill. Instead of billing us about $25, it’s around $80. I ask the bartender “What’s this?” He says “U ordered screwdrivers – no happy hours for that”. We argue.

Eventually a dumb manager appears. Instead of solving the problem, he makes it worse. With a sour face, he says “Vodka orange and screwdrivers are different.” (Yea, only on your moron planet. Dats like saying milo-ais and milo-peng are different drinks, with different prices.) “Here a screwdriver is a premium cocktail, so we use premium vodka. (By premium, he meant Absolut.) No happy hour prices. You have to say vodka orange.”

Right.

So is it my fault your waitress is a dummy dat u pay 50 cents an hour? It aint my problem if Chilis are d only ones in d world that thinks vodka orange and screwdrivers are different drinks.

In-bred freak insists it’s not d waitress’ fault, but mine. I refuse to pay.

A gorilla shows up and stands next to d manager. Probably the BSC valet niga, part-timing as a gorilla. What, u wanna beat me up over this?? Pathetic.

My friend said a few words but she mostly observed, although she wanted to slap d manager. We tell them they’re talkin shit and  ignore them.

So we continue to sip our drinks with these two goons there standing next to us and staring at us. Haha!

Then when we’re done, i say, “We’re leaving. U either take what i pay u, or we gonna leave and ur not getting a goddam cent.”

Manager continues to stare. Look like he’s gonna cry. Eventually d proper bill appears. I throw d cash n we leave.

FYI – a customer refusing to pay a bill for food/drinks or services rendered is not committing an offence. The police cant do shit. It’s a private contract between u and d outlet. If the management wants to recover d money, they will have to sue you in court. How dahell they gonna do dat when they have no idea who u are? So screw them over if even try to screw u.

O yea – another time a mug of Guinness dat my friend was drinking (same outlet) suddenly cracks and da shit spills all over her pants. D waiter says, “Sorry, will replace dat. It happens sometimes.” U spill drink all over my friend and u just gonna replace that drink? How kedekut. The least they could have offered was one complimentary Guinness for her or a meal.

(Breakage can happen when there’s some water in d mug before they freeze it.)

.

Incident Two

I was at the KLCC outlet once with a couple of chicks. We wanted to have a proper tequila session. I ask for a bottle of Jose Cuervo.

Waiter pauses, then says, “I’m sorry sir, I cant serve you a whole bottle.”

I ask why. “Just give us the bottle man. We’ll finish it tonite. We’ll be doin shots.”

” I cant sir. We cant charge by bottle.”

- “Why not man? How many shots in the bottle? 25? U can charge us by shots but bring d bottle. Watsup?”

“I’m sorry sir, this is a family restaurant!”

Ooo. I didnt realize i was in KFC man! Family restaurant my ass! Why dahell is there a full-bar in d outlet? For d children to get smashed?

So i say, “What?! U kiddin me man??”

“No sir. We cant serve u a bottle.”

They wanna be a family restaurant and think that me n two little girls might get tipsy n trash d joint, okay, thats fine.

So i say  “Nevermind, we’d like 3 tequila shots each to start.”

He says, “I’m sorry sir, i cant serve all at the same time. U have to finish your drink, then order again.”

How inefficient is dat??

So i say, “It’s a goddam shot. We’re doin shots – as soon as it arrives, it’s gone. Then we gotta wait 10 minutes for d next one?”

Bla bla bla. He finally surrenders and serves us what we want.

They have this stupid rule that u cant order your next drink if u still have some drink left! Haha! Morons.

It's shady Chili's customers like these that cause trouble

.

Incident Three

A bunch of friends had gone to Chili’s for happy hours. There were too many of them, n d bar area was really congested, and people couldnt really move, staff included. So my friend asks d waiter to open a “Section Closed” area for them. He says “Sorry, only at 6pm.” This was at 5.45pm!

Eventually manager comes. Chimp refuses to open the area, although an exception to the rule was obviously needed. They argue. And keep arguing quite fiercely. By now it’s five minutes to 6pm. He refuses to budge. Dick.

So they leave and spend their money elsewhere.

.

Incident Four

My housemate Khang joins his co-workers at Chili’s Megamall just as happy hours ends. His Guinness is waiting at the table, pre-ordered. He asks d waiter as his bill comes if the Guinness is at happy hour price. Waiter says no. Disappointed, Khang says “fuck”, and promptly pays d bill.

A few minutes later the floor captain shows up. He tells Khang, “U have to apologize to my staff. U swore at him.”

Khang explained that he was not swearing at anyone, just to himself for being late. Stupid captain insists that Khang apologize. Khang gets pissed, so his friend steps in to slow-talk. No use.

So they ask for d manager. Some foreign white dude shows up. He hears the story. Then says “You have to apologize to my staff.”

Khang’s friend also gets pissed! Haha! Then he says they dont want customers like them around!

What kind of staff would go n cry to his boss when a customer swears??

Obviously, though they were regulars, they swore never to go back there. Same deal with me n the hopeless Bangsar outlet.

There were also banned from d outlet!

.

If u know anyplace dat has good Guinness in frozen mugs, inform me ASAP.

If they continue like dis, i foresee a nice, good fight breaking out in their outlet soon – managers vs customers. My money is on customers.

The managers are extremely confrontational and petty. I think they need some serious education about the F&B culture in Malaysia.

But I really dont know watsup with them. Anal and stupid is an understatement. I suspect they could be robots. With no manual over-ride.

Hence when a situation occurs that is not in their hard disk, they freak. “Overload!!! Overload!!!……. Must kill customer!” Coz programmers forgot to include common-sense and discretion.

American Chilis – “Where the customer is always wrong.”

God knows what the franchiser in US is doing about all this. They gettin a real bad rep.

The company needs to get all their staff laid. I think there’s some in-breeding goin on.

Must be the mental haze caused by all dat langkau, the local Sarawak liquor-moonshine made from rice. Similar to lao lao from Laos.

Like some hard-hittin chicano party. If it seems hardcore, it was

Started the trip in style – straight from Kuching airport to this local hotel, Telang Usan, the usual pit-stop for a heavy tuak + laksa lunch. Got wasted then headed to Damai, a seaside area where the resorts and Rainforest World Music Festival venue (SCV – Sarawak Cultural Village) are.

Rice. Nice

As we had rooms in SCV, a couple of their staff came out to greet us. As soon as i put my backpack on d road, there was a sound – a clunk of tuak bottles. The guys, Leo and Bujang, heard it. Leo says “That’s a nice sound!” I reply “Tuak!” He says “We have langkau! Come over to the Iban Longhouse tonite.” I say “OK.” The village has showhouses of the major tribes in Sarawak.

Our pad was in the Melanau Tall House – a huge house on 49 high pillars.

High in our high house

Around midnight, a bunch of us head to the Iban Longhouse. I’ve had much drinking experience with d locals – in urban scenes as well as deep upriver in d interior longhouses, so i knew wat to expect – hardcore shit. Expect no mercy, show no mercy! But some of d boys were nervous. Haha!

When we go in, there’re a bunch of locals doin langkau, with Leo n Bujang. We get down to business. A little cup was passed around. It was sum cocktail – langkau plus some Tsingtao beer. Watever. Once u sit your ass on the ruai, you don’t get fussy or picky. U down wat u get.

“Express style,” Leo says. Which means the cup keeps going around. A shot is poured, u shout ooooohaaa!, down it, and pass it back to the tekong aka sadong – which is d guy who does d pouring, which was Bujang. He keeps pouring n passing. Later he adds tuak to d mix!

Leo, the Maori-lookin Iban

Then some other moonshine shows up – Glenford whisky. Made in Sibu. 15 bucks a bottle – shockingly smooth. Then Bujang mixes d whisky n the langkau. Neat.

Gosh, what a session. Fuckin merciless. Get high or die tryin.

Always a lot of thirsty people in Sarawak. I like.

We staggered home.

D next day was Friday, d start of d three-day fest. D music on Friday night, like last year, was crap. I didnt bother to attend d night show coz d tunes would have put me to sleep, so partied in d room.

Ben Bitch in our little party room aka d Penthouse aka d Crack Den aka the Whore House

From others’ feedback, music was crap. Lullabies.

Friday nite n Saturday nite we end up with d Iban boys again after d gig, with a twist – there was a snack with d langkau – live, fatass sago worms. Joleen had gone to her kampung in Bau n got some. Fuckdatshit. I wasnt planning on havin any. D others went for it. “Crunchy n juicy” it seems. I’ll stick to crunchy peanuts n juicy pork ribs with my booze.

Fat fucks tryin hard to make a getaway

D boys introduced us to a new kid called Royal. At 15 bucks a bottle, a good deal. Another Sibu product. Sarawak’s sure got a thrivin liquor industry! The label says brandy-flavoured liquor. Haha! At least it was smooth, though neat. Some dude called Alfred seems to vouch for its quality. Whodafuck Alfred?

If u say so Al

Which one's water, which one's langkau?? Only one way to find out. Actually 2 - taste it, or smell it. In dis case, langkau at rear

D band worthy of being labelled as world music n deserved to be there was Akasha (Malaysia). Brickfields Blues was super. And of course the Irish Joget. Awesome mix of traditional and modern styles! (Listen here). But some idiot put them on as d first act, when their rockin, creative tunes should have been d closing act. Seems like Malaysian bands never get to be the closing act.

The music flow at the festival was pretty bad. An upbeat band followed by dinner / elevator music (Red Chamber, China). Saturday night i went back to d room midway. Haha. Coz d music was affecting my high. Potong nevermind, but fuckin turun straight.

D fest should be renamed d world jazz fest or chillout tunes fest. Coz dat sums it up. Musically it has become unexciting and very ordinary since ’07. The crazy bands are gone, so are the tribal tunes. The crowd seemed less this year.

Dont matter, coz i had a fuckin blast anyway. Ben Bitch said sumtin weird one of those nites  – “I’m drunk like no drunk before!”

Headed straight to Sid’s Pub for drinks after arrival at LCCT. Had to end it right. Need closure.

Thank God for d crew i was with n d boys who hosted n entertained us there. OOOOHAAAA mafuckers!

Chillin..

Our kampung

Yea, deliver our breakfast n scram, u man-faced kid

Ben Bitch lettin loose in an outhouse, with Bunkface queuing-up

A kliering (very large burial pole)

The finale, Sunday nite

Quality. Alfred quality

Ben Bitch doin some nightwater rafting

Da beach, Damai

Trendy head-hunters' swords. Used.

After-touchdown-party, KL

My thirst was quenched!

Brain damage rating: 9/10