Yo I aint happy.

D locomotive from hell has pulled into d station for d final time!

Dis shit was my FIRST love, when i first started on the booze journey in college. The Train is what got me into serious drinkin man. Used to do it with dudes like Ham, Scarface, Presidente, Volume, Fat Bala, Voyeur. We got a history, d Train n me boys.

We had this move – where two of our cars on d way to someplace would decide to travel alongside each other n pass d Train from one car to d next. Quite a delicate skill. Requires finesse, and alcohol in yor veins. And clear road ahead of u.

The other car would ride the Train then pass it back when they’re ready. Amazingly, there has never been contact between the vehicles.

Yea, we were a bunch of fucking cowboys.

If not for d Train, my retarded blog wdnt exist. Haha

Been lookin for it for ol times sake recently. I tried d most likely haunts – Joy, Sri Kota, TMC, supermarkets and Chinese-medicine joints. Failed. Two of ‘em said d Train is no longer being imported.

But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

The world has lost some of its cool.

It’s been good buddy. See u on d other side!

Flyin like an aeroplane

Feelin like a space brain one more time tonite!

- Nightrain – by G ‘n R

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Makes u feel like a locomotive engine. Cant clean drains tho

Yup, d one & only Nightrain Express! If u know what dat is, u an alconnoisseur. And ur sure to have your own Night Train incidents!

As u can see rock n roll bad boyz Guns ‘n Roses even dedicated a song to it.

As guitarist Duff said “We had no money but we could dig up a buck to go down to this liquor store. It happened to have this great wine called Nightrain that would fuck you up for a dollar. Five dollars and you’d be gone. We lived off this stuff.”

James Brown did one night train tune too, maybe as a tribute to da shit that has probably killed many people around d world. Not coz its toxic (well, if u down a few bottles u could probably die), but it gets u THERE in a hurry, sometimes unexpectedly.

Ghetto brother

It’s a fortified apple wine from Modestos, California, by E&J Gallo. It’s ABV is 18% (hence fortified). I have no idea why its red tho. Maybe gasoline. But it’s not banned here or in the US, so sallgood.

It falls under the category of a bum wine aka street wine aka hooch aka wino wine aka ghetto wine aka liquid crack.

In college, we lived off this stuff too. It was $6.50 a bottle (easy twist-off cap) when I bought my first. My most heavy, off-the-rails, liver-shredding, train-wreck experience ridin d Train happened in downtown KL, during my college days.

I borrow my sista’s wheels n picked my friend Bala n sum other niga (cant remember who) and park near d Beach Club car park, n chill in d car for a bit. It ‘s a Friday nite n we gonna hit Hard Rock Café n party like shit n meet sum chicks.

There are three bottles of Train in d car. We eventually down them (one bottle each. Not recommended. Cos half always gets u blazed) within 30 minutes, and start to walk along Sultan Ismail to HRC, obviously smashed by then. I need to piss, so I casually unzip, whip it out and begin release da pressure on d hood of a car that was parked at the bus stop there.

This is like 8pm – heavy traffic along Sultan Ismail, but of course I dont givafuck. Senget.

Bala n sum other niga waited. Suddenly d fuckin car I was pissin on horns! I was like..  dafuck! Dis car got an anti-piss alarm or wat.

It was probably ‘wat’.

It horns again, coz I continue to piss on its hood. Watdefuck man. Chill

So I start to shuffle sideways to the driver’s window (still unloading of course, drank a whole bottle), so now am like, sprayin all over d door n shit.

I look at d other two drunk cats, and they just fuckin laughin man. They maintain their distance.

Putas.

I try to peer in, but can’t see much. Either the windows were fogged or d good ol Train was makin me blind. I can’t recall to be frank.

Brain damage, see?

Destination of the three train riders. Hey, at least we made it there

Dude who was in d car never appears or winds down d window or drives off. Weird.

Wonder what was goin thru his mind. He sees these three dudes swaying past, one approaches his car, unzips, n starts to piss all over it.

He must have assumed we were stone-cold gangbangers.  Yup.

Or retarded.

Either way, he/she leaves us alone. Serves u right for parking in a no-parking zone. It’s a goddam bus-stop, fer fucks sake.

Dat was your ticket, bitch.

Anyway, dint matter coz I give it a shake, zip up and continue zig-zagging with d boys to HRC. We briefly discuss d pissing incident, laughing heavily like drunks do.

We get there, order three bottles of Guinness plus a huge hamburger each. The Train somehow made us peckish. Maybe coz we swallowed it on empty stomachs. We take a sip of d drink, a bite of d burger (d goddam patty jumps out n hits da floor, son of bitch). I was like, fuuck!

I look at the empty burger buns, and walk out.

Can’t handle it no more. Loaded like a freightrain, flyin like an aeroplane.

I recall staggering out of d bar. I needed space. The Train had arrived.

My sis n her friends show up to HRC to party. They laugh at a body lyin on d stairs of HRC. People were like steppin over d body n shit. One of my sis’s friends says “Look at dat rogue! Haha! Not even 9 o’clock and he’s gone!”

My sis laughs. Then takes a second look. She says “THAT’S MY BROTHER!!”

So my sis (whose car I borrowed dat nite) finds me, lying there, gone.

It was 8.30pm. Our nite had not even begun.

She was shocked. Probably pissed too, coz now she has to drive me (and Bala and sum other niga) back, in HER car that I borrowed, and cancel her plans to party.

I vaguely recall lying in d back seat of her car, she being pulled over by cops for going up a one-way (she must have been hit by d Train fumes in da car), and then finally reaching home. Old man was standing at d door, obviously curious watdefuck were we doing back so early on a Friday nite, and why was I staggering.

He didn’t get d explanation he was waiting for from me. I brushed past him, like he wasnt there, with my shoes on, and went to my room. Fell on d bed n crashed. Woke up next day with my shoes still on.

Man, rode d Train n derailed, big time! Them college days…  sweet memories.

Phew.

Its sister drink is Thunderbird (aka The American Classic), the white version. Not as good. ABV is 16%. I recall buying T-Bird with my hombres on hot n sunny Saturday afternoons, getting a pack of ice from the mamak, filling it with dat shit, and downing it with a straw.

Goddam u T-Bird, why dont u taste as good as d Train?

Have had many interesting experiences with the Train. Always had one back-up bottle under my driver’s seat. Too easy. Leave house stone-cold sober, arrive 20 mins later at destination wasted. Party.

Have also passed it to friends in another car to have a sip, while driving on da road. Haha! Stunt driving n shit. Any drivers who saw it must have been ”What the..!”

But havin a whole bottle of the Train is a for sure a one-way ticket – “from sober to stupid” (as bumwine.com elegantly puts it). When u have it, do as the label commands: “Serve very cold” or die. The first sips might be a lil rough, but later swigs, as da Rastas say, is airay!

If u ever need an emergency operation or a tooth pulled out, the Train makes a good anesthetic. Wouldnt recommend drinkin d Train on an actual train. There might be a hijacking incident.

The Night Train is a good drink tho. U just gotta show it sum respect. Unfortunately it’s gettin more difficult to find – wanted one for d blog launch to pass around. Price is about $20+ i think.

U should have it chilled, but warm is actually pretty decent, and u gotta drink straight from d bottle, none of them fuckin “I’ll have mine in a glass please” crap. Take large swigs, and avoid doin d whole bottle yourself. Share da luv.

And have a good ride!

.

II’ll never learn, I’m on the Night Train

And I’m looking for some

I’m on the Night Train and I’ll never get enough

I’m on the Night Train, and I’m ready to crash and buuurnnn…

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Every alco has Night Train stories. Trust me.

If u  have one, u can post yours at the comments section for a laugh!

If u see dis, chances are there's a body around

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Brain damage: 10/10. PERFECT SCORE!!

Anyway, i recently realized the bite marks from Volume’s biting incident is still scarred in my back. Obviously a lil faded now after 7 years, but still visible! But not very clear in photo.

See them dots below the bruise? Upper and lower teeth marks in a circle. Btw the bruise is unrelated to this incident

A few years back me n my bro wanted to go to Penang to party. So we went via the East Coast – Terengganu, Kelantan. Cos we’re adventurous. Haha

Anyways, ended up in hotel room in Kota Baru that belonged to my bro’s friend from Sabah, TK, who was there for some doctor convention.

(His exact words, which he later regretted, were – “U guys passing thru KB? Why don’t u come and use the ‘facilities’ here?”).  Some five-star hotel la. Suited us boys just fiiine.

So we partied that night in d room, lotsa booze n all. It was me, Volume, The Ship, Ron (short for Moron) and TK.

Music’s rockin, booze is flowin, Volume gets plastered, then sinks his teeth into my arm (bicep) while I was chillin on d chair, drawing blood. Fuckin dracula move. Watdefucked, I push him off. Somehow he gets behind me and this time REALLY sinks his teeth into my back, that it tears my shirt n draws a lot more more blood. (All this without any provocation or issue.)

The boys in d room were slow at reacting, no doubt still tryin to process the weird scene. I managed to get Vol’s fangs outta me, turn around, n throw him on d bed. He seems delirious. I jump on him n lock his arms behind his back, and yell at d other dummies to help hold him down, which they do.

Eventually he seems to calm down. Of course I’m pissed at getting these free love bites, so later I fuck him up n provoke him until we have a skirmish in d hotel corridor!

Right then my bro returns from wherever he was that nite, and asks “watdefuck is goin on?!” Volume tries to take a swing at my bro. This time I’m really pissed, so I fist the puta in d face, and wrestle to try n get him down on d ground. I manage to do that. Of course I proceed to kick da shit outta him, while yelling shit about his mama and his dead father.

No mercy. Tony Montana mode.

Like I said, I was pissed.

The boys didn’t try to stop me.

Although it was quite a riot, the other hotel guests wisely stayed in their rooms. A couple of guests wanted to leave their room but u-turned. No one called security. Good.

I left him lying in d corridor. (I haven’t seen Volume since.)

Now I’m back in da room. I got major teeth holes in my back. So I pour vodka over them.

The boys say I have to get to a doctor to get a jab, an ATT i think (for tetanus, as a human bite is more dangerous than most animal’s). Tho they’re all doctors, obviously they don’t go partyin with ATT on them. Some other stuff maybe, but not ATT.

It’s 3am, i need a medic, we’re all high, I’ve got blood on me, and we’re in goddam Kelantan. Great.

So we hit the streets on foot, wanderin around looking for a clinic that’s open 24 hours. We find one, go in there, and the nurse wakes d doctor up, and shows us into the room.

Doc rubs his eyes and eventually asks “apa jadi?”

I answer “kena gigit.”

“Kena gigit apa? Anjing?”

I answer “manusia.”

“Hah?? Apa???”

Dude was taken aback, obviously a first for him.

We decided to come up with a more ‘believable’ story. So – we went karaokeing, then while walking back to hotel, some hobo jumps out of an alley and asks for money. We told him to fuck off, then he attacked me, and bit me. Maybe he had rabies. Or sum junkie. (Yea sounds far out, but which story’s more ridiculous?)

The poor doctor and nurse were shocked, obviously unhappy that out-of-towners were attacked in peaceful little KB. They then said that these things don’t happen over here n all. KB is actually a nice place, nice people, safe town, etc, etc.

No shit. Just gimme d jab man. I’ve had a long nite.

He patches me up n we head back to d room. We have a coupla more drinks n crash.

TK, the shell-shocked doctor from Ranau (Sabah) who told us to “come over and use the facilities” at the hotel, was up very early d next morning, stepping over our bodies and makin calls to the airport. “NO, I said I want the first flight you have!” He was outta there man, back in KK before we were up. O yea, Volume had also puked all over TK’s bed during d kecoh, among other damage (to d room and to TK’s good rep.)

I was reasonably satisfied as I had got Volume good, coz d next morning my hand hurt from slammin mafucker’s face and my foot hurt from kickin him in the stomach n ribs.

Moral of d story? Some punks can’t drink. Period.

His upper teeth and lower teeth marks are still visible on my skin. If he ever dies in a plane crash or is crisped in a fire, I will gladly provide his dental records, as I carry them around IN my back.

Brain damage rating: 7/10

For Volume: 10/10