We can piss anytime, anywhere, and it’s awesome!

Fuck the long toilet queues at festivals or events or clubs. We’re in and outta there in a flash, to the point chicks start using the Gents. Girls just take too damn long. (Yea, even when paying for stuff)

Hell, we could piss into bottles if we wanted to. Am sure many guys have, coz we got a hose. Handy when you’re in a canoe / kayak and cant stand up due to instability (done dat).

Chicks, well, they have…   not a hose.

Once some asshole even pissed into a beer bottle n left it in the toilet, hoping someone will think its beer and go for it. I didnt buy it.

I have thought about inventing an adapter so chicks can piss standing up.

The human bladder typically holds up to 800ml, but we tend to ‘go’ when it hits 200ml. So i guess u can hold longer than u think.

Booze, damn u!

Guys who’ve never taken a piss outdoors in their adult life probably dont have a dick.

Anyway, when drinking you tend to piss a lot, especially right after you Break the Seal. Damn that crazy phenomenon. You need to practise mind-over-bladder.

And if you’re moving from one place / bar to another or are in the outdoors, you sometimes have no choice but to find the most convenient piss spot.

Anyway, i prefer the outdoors.

Guys have pissed everywhere (dont know about girls), but here’s my opinion of our top choices.

The most common is probably a -

1. Drain.

A crowd favourite

Upside: It’s clean, convenient, with zero splash-factor

Downside: You could fall in and drown in your own piss

Pissability rating: 4/5

2. Tree

A girl once asked me why guys always have to piss against something. Haha! Hmmm…

Two reasons:

1) We’re dogs

Ride em cowboy!

2) It ensures there’s little splash, or it would make your shoes unhappy.

Anyway, tree: Upside: Safe, minimal splash

A cock's eye-view

Downside: We need for the trees to survive

Pissability rating: 4.5/5

3. Lamp post

Upside: It’s there. It’s upright

Downside: Very bright. Also if there’s an electricity malfunction, your dick will burn off, while you breakdance n die

Gotta think twice with this one

Pissability rating: 2/5

4. Flat surface

Naa

Generally a dumb idea.

Upside: You can draw designs

Downside: Splash-fest. And in your ecstasy of releasing the pressure, you might not hear the car until it’s over you

Pissability rating: 1/5

5. Car wheel

Whether your car or others . A dog favourite too. Homey squirts on my car wheel all d time.

Probably mess-up the brakes

Upside: They everywhere! And each car has four targets to choose from

Downside: It takes the shine off. Also, high splash-factor if you dont get the angle right

Pissability rating: 3/5

6. Wall / fence

No-brainer

Upside: Walls are everywhere. Minimal splash. Feels like a real wall-urinal, but outdoors, and smell-free. And the outstretched arm against the wall provides much-needed stability

Downside: None

Pissability rating:  5/5. Perfect score!

Blissss.....

The weirdest piss i ever had while senget was onto the hood of a car that i thought was unoccupied. Turns out it was occupied. Sort of. You can read about that crazy, ripped, Night Train-fueled night here.

Sorry i dont do stairwells or elevators or indoor spots; that’s for morons.

Did i leave anyone out? There’re also fire hydrants, grass, sign posts, bushes, pots, mile stones, pillars, campfire (to douse fire; fireman mode), logs, lakes.

Next time you take a piss, try a new target eh?

Long way to go, but it’s a start. We all know service levels in Malaysia are going down, as i commented on once.

Pay attention now..

The event was attended by employees from various outlets. Taylor’s University is involved to improve bar operation skills and customer service. Since it was done in English, i assume the foreign staff didnt understand much.

I sat out the training module as it was only for outlet staff. (sorry, all pix by camera phone.)

Brands distributed by Carlsberg Malaysia via Luen Heng

The highlight that day was the attendance of George Reisch, the main man, aka Brewmaster of Anheuser-Busch InBev, which owns brands like Becks, Leffe, Hoegaarden, Budweiser and 200 others. Its the world’s largest global brewer, with 25% of the market, revenue of more than 100 billion a year, and staff of 116,000.

He gave a presentation about beer as well. One memorable statement from him – when storing your beer, keep it in a dark spot so it dont get ‘light-struck’ – light affects beer quality. Hence beer bottles tend to be dark.

Lightstruck! Haha!

We also got to taste half-made lager.

Shady-lookin brews

The oldest was a 20-day (with added wood chips for flavour as is done with Bud), which tastes as good as regular lager. The 5-day End of Aplha is pretty raw, with a nose of cider. Taste is quite bland.

Like Jaz Beer.

The cold wort is very young, and smells to me like Guinness Malta. Its cloudy, and tastes bitter-sweet.

That's George

George enlightened us that 400 different compounds / molecules have been found in wine, and 1,200 in beer. More complicated that you think.

Hmmm. Tough choice. I'd probably go for some Leffe

Also met Carlsberg Malaysia's new marketing director, York Spencer

The program went on for a day. Let’s hope there’re some better-educated bar staff out there now!

Brain damage: 5/10

The BAC (blood alcohol content) limit in Malaysia is 0.08%. Anything below is fine.

If u hit 1%, ur dead.

U can achieve 0.08% if u have three quick drinks, but there’re many variables like body mass, sex, stomach contents. Also, alcohol takes longer to leave the body of some Asians who have alcohol flush reaction, also known as the lobster-face syndrome!

Poster at GAB's Tavern

As described above, u can only get intoxicated if u consume more than one drink an hour, coz dats d speed that your body metabolizes alcohol (ie, sobers you up). If u wanna ace a breathalyzer, remember that.

What’s one ‘standard drink’? It’s one portion, ie, a mug of beer (355ml), a shot of whisky (30-45ml), a glass of wine (150ml), etc. (One drink must contain 15ml of ethanol /  pure alcohol.) For drink measurements, refer here.

Here are some tips to drive after drinkin:

1. Drive slow

2. Don’t drive. Sleep it off in your car if its parked in a safe spot

3. Ditch d wheels n pick it up tomw. Go back with a friend or a cab

4. If u gonna drive, one good technique is not shifting higher than gear 3. (Or 2 if ur wasted.) U’ll have better control over d car, n d speed is limited. I’d highly recommend this technique, coz it works. But u gotta resist the temptation to shift up. Both hands on d wheel

5. If ur stopped by cops n blow into a breathalyzer, n score below 80, don’t let them shit u. U passed d test. Unless they place u under arrest for some other reason, u can leave

6. If u gonna drink while driving, utilize one of these, for a hands-free session. Sure helps!

.

Its the peak of the Party Season 2011 yall.

Merry Christmas! Enjoy your holidays n drive safe!

Well, am gonna try to remedy that, with a new series called Basic Cocktails, aka Know Your Shit.

Today’s cocktail is Long Island Iced Tea, which has no tea in it. One of my faves, it got me at “Long”.

And “Island” of course.

I used to have pitchers of it every Friday at Velvet. Got me well-wasted – each n every time! Perfect score. At one of my birthdays, 12 of us had enough long islands on d table to drop Godzilla – 16 jugs. It almost dropped me.

Tho i dislike cola cocktails, taste-wise, the LIIT is considered pleasant and easy to drink, tho the alcohol content can really come thru on the palate. I usually ask ‘em to go easy on the sweet ‘n sour, coz it makes d drink too sweet ‘n sour. Haha. In fact u could try pineapple juice instead of that.

Kick-wise, its waay up there. Respect.

.

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA

Type of cocktail:   Highball (served in a high glass / Collins)

Alcohol content by volume:   28%. Phew!

Alcohol types:   5 – vodka, light rum, white tequila (aka silver/blanco), gin, Triple Sec. One shot each (30ml), tho some do half shot each, depending on the size of the glass too

Mixer:   Sour mix (aka sweet & sour), splash of cola

Standard garnish:   Slice of lemon

Method:   Shake everything except the soda, and pour into glass with ice. Top with cola

Where to have one:   Will leave it to you consumers to recommend (if possible pls include price, should be between $20-25 net). The problem is many outlets these days use cheap-ass Klang-made liquor to mix drinks. Fuckdat.

One place I know for a fact uses premium liquors is Sid’s Pub, and its significantly cheaper than all the neighbouring outlets as well.

Popular variation to try:  Long Beach Iced Tea – cranberry juice substitutes the cola. Nice.

Beer is a watered-down drink as it is, so ideally its best not to add too much of anything non-alcoholic into it, tho small amounts are fine. I tend to take my beer with a couple of shots of lime cordial for two reasons – it tastes good; and i end up drinking a lot faster and a lot more. Coz d problem with beer is the filling feel it gives.

Goddam beer is pretty versatile. Here are some of the more well-known cocktails.

Beer - more than a breakfast drink

1. Lager Lime – Like i said, beer with about 1.5 shots of lime cordial. (To know more about drink measurements, refer my post here.)

2. Snakebite – Half a pint of lager with half a pint of cider. Usually, a dash of blackcurrant cordial, “black”, is added as a sweetener. This is sometimes known as ‘diesel’. Some variants “float” the beer atop the cider in separate layers. Goes down too easy. A true Snakebite will also have a shot of vodka.

3. Black and Tan – Half and half – pale ale at the bottom, stout on the top. The most well-known brands of pale ale are Bass, Cooper’s and Sierra Nevada. Cant seem to find ‘em here. Was a favourite when i was part-timing as a bartender in UK.

4. Black Velvet – Half stout, half champagne. Haha! Sounds like a winner. Cant wait to try dis one!

5. Red Eye – Add a shot (30ml) of tomato juice to any ale or lager (this cocktail is also known as Tomato Beer or a Red Rooster). Hmm. Dunno bout this, bout sounds ok.

6. Cili Haram – Add a few drops of Tabasco into your beer. Created this when i was bored at a bar. Also coz i miss this Mexican chili beer i used to have, dont remember in which country. At d bottom of d bottle there’ll be a cute lil mafucker, looks like a cili padi. Adds spice to every sip. Can recreate d effect with Tabasco.

7. Bee Sting – Dark beer plus some orange juice. I’d think lager / wheat beer would be a bettter choice.

8. I dunno what its called or who made it, maybe me - Lager with a few drops of Ribena.

9. Caribbean Night – Beer and a shot of coffee liqueur. Interesting.

10. Name unknown (lets call it Todi Negro) – toddy + stout. A favourite locally-created cocktail.

11. Top 10 – a Sabah specialty – half lager, half Royal Stout / Guinness Foreign Extra Stout. D wilder chicks over there seem to luv it!

12. Donkey Piss - Beer + tequila = Bad idea.

OK, now go fuck around with beer.

Bengkok (courtesy of Rubin) – like senget. Similar to senget linguistically, but phonetically def sounds more kao.

So bengkok = a more senget version of senget

Kangkang – a more bengkok bengkok. If bengkok is 9/10, kangkang is 10/10

“A straight-up niga move” (as applied by Mr Ice-T in New Jack Hustler) -  when someone fucks u over or cons u. Eg disappear when its time to pay d bill, borrow cash n skip town, etc

Roboexotica is a festival, the brainchild of a group of Viennese techno-artists called Shifz, which started the event in 1999, reasoning that if robots were ultimately supposed to interact with humans in everyday life, then turning them into bartenders was a natural step.

They sure got a long way to go tho.

Auto mojito-maker

Festival organizer says “I like to mix critical art and technology.”  Interesting idea, as reported in Wired.

They called barbots. There’s a Bender-lookin one too. Most are garage-made for fun & still very crude n crap. Here are some ’09 models.

I wouldn’t call them robots tho. More like duct-taped novelty gadgets.

Asahi (beer of Japan) also created a simple beerbot in ’06, and gave away 5,000 units in a competition.

Push the robot’s start button and it opens the can, tilts the glass, and pours the beer with a perfect head every time. The refrigerator section of the robot can cool six 350 ml cans and two beer mugs.

Would whoop R2D2's butt anytime

Well, it’s a start! I do enjoy mixing drinks, but someday we might all have our own bitch to chill, fetch & mix our drinks without fuss.

The only problem is, i dont trust goddam bartenders dat dont drink.

I mean, u wouldnt trust a chef dat dont eat.

Respect.

Its been around for ages – fuckers have been gettin drunk for at least 10,000 years! (And still no real hangover cure?? Other than this recent attempt. Dafuck man. Goddam slackers.)

There are two types of beers in the world – lagers and ales. Explain in a sec.

Bitches lined-up

Last week tried out some American craft beers available at Craft Brews (7722-3000). Earlier in the month tried their draft beers.

These babes are from the Flying Dog Brewery, an award-winning one that began brewin d piss in Aspen in 1990.

It wasn’t a beer-pairing dinner; just beer. Four of ‘em. (Hmm. Dunno why no bars / restaurants have hosted beer dinners.)

To kick off t’was Old Scratch (amber lager). Obviously the colour is amber as its a lager.

Beer with ticks on d label. Appetizing

Wats da diff between a lager and an ale? To d layman, a lager is a pilsner like Tiger, Chang, Angkor, Bintang and all d beers brewed in this region. Its filtered, clear gold, crisp, and has a clean taste.

An ale is generally unfiltered, usually darker beer.

The difference in creation is lager uses bottom-fermenting yeast, ie yeast that gather at the bottom of the fermentation barrel. Ales use a top-fermenting species. Like cider. And wheat beers.

Ales are generally robust, more complex, bolder and stronger in taste and aroma, and normally darker. Very common in US, Europe, not really in Asia. Early beers were all ales. They usually have a higher hop content. Stouts fall under ales.

The strongest beer made so far is 32% – the Tactical Nuclear Penguin. Haha! Penguin also kena exploited.

A pack of crazy dogs

Anyway the Ol Scratch (5.5%) is a malty beer, more on the sweet side, but mellow. The finish is light.

The Snake Dog (India pale ale) is a different story altogether. Its fosher a straight-up, big-dick ale. The aroma is of…. lychee. Seriously.

Grace tryin to figure d beer with the highest alco content

The IPA is hoppy (meaning heavy in hops). Translation = bitter. Tasting-buddy Grace, who’s a freak, digs dis.

The finish is pretty strong & long. ABV is da highest among the four – 7.1%.

Hmmm. Now Grace’s choice makes sense.

Its got an IBU (some new shit i learned) of 60, which means its goddam bitter. All these bottles have an International Bitterness Unit number at d back, ranging from 12 to 60.

Next, the Doggie Style (classic pale ale).

Dis dude’s got character, a lil too much character for i n Grace. It’s gotta real bite. But a shorter finish than the Snake Dog IPA. ABV is 5.5%.

Checkout like real, taking notes n shit

Its supposed to make u engage in doggie-style d same night. Didnt happen.

Even if it did, i aint no snitch.

If dogs could fly....., I'd watch out for dog shit

.

Final beer’s the In Heat (wheat hefeweizen – 4.7%). Its got the aroma of pisang goreng. No shit.

Dead easy to drink, the traditional German hefe is my fave. Simple unfiltered wheat beer.

Choices....

My ranking – In Heat, Ol Scratch, Snake Dog, Doggie Style.

Grace – In Heat, Snake Dog, Ol Scratch, Doggie Style.

A hydrant beer-dispenser? Great spot for a dog to take a leak

The beers are only served from bottles and cost $20.70.

Party continued as we hit Alexis with my buddy Rubin for long islands. Got pretty bent on d way there.

Rubin n Grace ungraciously fight for sum wine i brewed

Senget, altogether now...

Brain damage: 6.5/10

So fuggedaboutit. Its a language u dont need to comprehend. Just nod when ur spoken to.

The way i see it, there are 4 levels of highness -

i) the initial one is the Tease - where u feel sumtin goin on. Some pussies would happily always stop at this stage (Recommended drink to get this: beer / stout / cider / wine / easy cocktails like Screwdriver, Mojito)

ii) then there’s the High - ur feelin a good buzz, talkin louder, more sociable, smiling (Recommended drink: Wine, easy liquors like vodka, rum)

iii) the ur There - really intoxicated, all over the place, buying more booze that u dont really need, possibly doin a mutual-groping session, generally very happy (Recommended drink: any liquor, hard cocktails like Long Island)

At this point, its really 50-50 where its goin – ur walkin a fine line, on the edge – u would either maintain this high, or go over to the other side and get wasted, coz the high wants to just feed on itself. Could lead to the fourth stage of..

iv) Drunk - either mumbling or shouting (depending on the person), half-eyes, partial tongue & mouth paralysis, conversing with strangers / the toilet attendant, not remembering names, snogging, lookin for / organizing an after-party, asking the same damn questions / sayin d same things, dont remember how u got home, a possible toilet-bowl-hugger, and finding strange name cards in your pocket / numbers in your phone d next day. Could lead to drink-induced-amnesia. But dats another story. (Recommended drink: skyjuice).

Getting There - its half d fun

In the world of drinking, there are some common alco terms – some are standard-issue, some i made up.

Anyway, here’s some basic terms to get u by.

Sotong (squid) = legless / rubber legs. When u legs feel like they’re giving way under u while ur standing / walking. U could also take one step forward and two steps back, making little progress. In such situations, sit dafuck down

Superb sotong demo here

Ketam (crab) = Not as bad as sotong. U walk like a crab, ie sideways (zig-zag), but at least in the general direction. Pretty common occurence

Drink responsibly = make sure u finish your fucking drink! Wastage is highly irresponsible

Aaarh! Bantai ah!! = The term for “cheers!” in Malaysia if there was one. Can be shortened to “Bantaiii!”

Aa, jemput minum… = a more polite version of the above

Silakan...

Ride the train = Drink Night Train and get fucked-up

Brown-out = “Less intense than the experience of “blacking out” when drunk and not remembering portions (or all) of your night, “browning out” occurs when you don’t remember something until someone brings it up. It’s not a complete blackout, but partial, because you remember once someone refreshes you.” (quoted from Urban Dictionary)

Skull / down / yamseng / cuci = To finish your drink off. Other available terms – polish, clear, mop-up

Potong (cut) = when your getting-high is interrupted by something

Turun (descend) = When your high actually comes down due to something, usually something unpleasant. A sobering experience

Lightweight / fairy / pussy = someone who cant drink

Alco = someone who knows how to

High = intoxicated, buzzed, lift-off, tickled, tipsy

And of course, the most number of terms is to describe..

Drunk = smashed, wasted, balls-up, senget, totalled, woman/man-down, OD, bent, gone, terbabas, blazed, fucked-up, whacked, bowl-hugger, out, tit-floored, hammered, sloshed, trashed, shit-faced, sideways, wrecked, pissed, terbalik